We’re a Bit…Unusual

This week, Bella’s new preschool teacher will be visiting our house.  She visits each of her students at home the week before classes begin to help them feel more comfortable once school begins.  I’m going to be cleaning my ass off that morning to be sure, but it’s not the messiness that’s got me worried.  I’ve watched enough episodes of COPS to know that slightly messy houses are okay — it’s the houses  that look like the walls were just power-washed the day before that earn you a visit from CPS.

"Moroccan CBRNE facilities tour 2010" by Flickr user US Army Africa

“Hey there, officer! Just finishing up the daily chores!…
Yeah, I’ll just go ahead and pack up the kids now.”

Here’s the thing — we’re weird.  Not dangerous weird, or don’t-let-your-kids-go-to-their-house weird.  We just like odd things.  Nothing wrong with that.  We like our house, our family and friends know exactly what breed of crazy we are, and that’s all that matters.  The problem arises when we invite new guests to our home.  You see, I have lived with our collection of crazy shit for so long that I’ve become immune to it.  Ergo, it’s only after the parents arrive at my kid’s birthday party that I realize that oh yeah, we have an entire wall above our fireplace dedicated to light-up religious pictures.

wall of religion dark

 Not kidding.  
And yes, that is a light-up version of The Last Supper.
Also: the picture of St. Jude on the left spins, giving a cool disco effect.

We’ve since retired the Wall o’ Heavenly Light, but there’s still plenty of odd things hanging around the house that I don’t even notice anymore.  Here’s a few things currently in our home that might give Bella’s new teacher reason to pause:

"Jabba the Hutt Barfed His Guts All the Way Down to Pizza Hut" by LegendaryTigerHero on Etsy.

This is a framed picture of Jabba the Hutt throwing up that I purchased (along with a companion piece depicting Batman throwing up) for Rob’s birthday last year.  It hangs over our fireplace, just above a bunch of framed family photos.  The fact that Jabba is completely missing the toilet deeply disturbs Phaedra.

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Here’s this charming motherfucker that hangs on the wall adjacent to our fireplace.  Rob bought it from The Salvation Army shortly after we moved in, under my extreme protest.  He loves that the clown’s hair matches our bright orange living room walls.  I don’t.  It freaks me out.  It reminds me of the sad clown that just shows up and follows you around in The Sims.

That’s something else that I forget about until people comment on it: the unusual paint colors around our house.  When we bought the paint for our living room waaaaaaay back when, the guy at Home Depot who mixed it looked at the color and said, “Wow, that’s bright! Hope it’s not for your bedroom!” I looked at him with a big smile on my face and said, “Nope!  It’s for our living room!” I don’t think we shared the same decorating taste.

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This is my totebag that I take to work everyday, since I usually end up dragging home enough stuff to require a totebag.  It’s the only totebag the kids aren’t allowed to use to drag their toys around town.  Since I am so familiar with the book that this totebag is referring to, I forget that for other people, it just seems like a cry for help.  Which actually makes me like this bag even more.

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Here’s a collection of items sitting on top of our bread box: a genuine voodoo doll, a pair of binoculars, and a book of matches.  I don’t really have a good explanation for this.

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 This is a sign that Rob brought home (are you seeing a pattern here?) from someplace, I don’t even know.  He thought it would be hilarious to put it above the bathroom door.  Get it?!  “Chocolate Place”!!  Like, POOP!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  People don’t always notice this one, but when they do, they’re usually very important people who I’m not trying to impress with poop jokes.

I’m sure there are other insane things hanging around the house that I didn’t notice when I was taking pictures, but rest assured, I will most definitely notice them about halfway through this nice lady’s visit this week.  On the bright side, though, this may help her to be able to sort out which quirks are Bella’s autism and which quirks are just the result of good old-fashioned weirdo parents.

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This entry was posted in Bella, posts that CPS won't think are funny, preschool, things that don't make sense, what dude?. Bookmark the permalink.

34 Responses to We’re a Bit…Unusual

  1. HouseTalkN says:

    I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE! The light up pictures are my favorite!

  2. But why? Why would you get rid of the light-up Last Supper?

  3. Can I come over? Your house looks really cool and mine just isn’t at all.

  4. Cherie says:

    Love this! I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as light up religious pictures!!!!
    Fuck that clown, it has to go. Chocolate Place is pretty damn funny…

    Don’t feel bad, I have a Star Wars collage framed poster hanging over the stairs that lead to the basement, Josie and Reese both have Halloween pumpkin cut outs from some kid’s meal a loooong time ago, and there is a collection of Jedi’s & Sith Lords in random areas that “balance the force” in our house. SIGH. Oh, and not to mention my husband’s “Supersize Me” McDonald’s french fry experiment that is now 8 years old and the 3 1/2 year old Twinkie that sits in a jar that he is testing to see if it really will decay or not. Sound like we should have a party or something…

  5. rudibega says:

    You are brilliant, your husband and children reflect that. Your home is eclectic and very not boring…fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke! & clown are super creepy.

  6. Jester Queen says:

    Oh my GAWD that’s awesomely hilarious. Was the wall o’heavenly light created out of religious feeling or love for the weirdness? I don’t give a shit one way or the other. I just think it’s so marvelously hilarious and that it would be ironic and bananasplits crazy if the answer was “just because”

  7. Deb says:

    Okay that killer clown would have to go…love the Chocolate Place sign. As for weird…it’s all in the eye of the beholder!

  8. Ellen says:

    We have been friends for HOW MANY years now? Why am I just realizing that I have never been to your house?
    Your decor is very much you and Rob.

  9. monica says:

    chocolate place. bwahahahahaha. I love all of it. except the clown. he’s just creepy.

  10. This is the perfectest ever – I KNEW your house was awesome!

  11. Nicole Shaw says:

    That ties it. I’m definitely poisoning the neighbors and moving in.

    I married a very mainstream guy. An awesome guy, a fabulous guy, but a guy from Connecticut, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean?

    Anyhoo, he’s got his moments. Like, hanging in our bathroom is an old advertisement (you have to say “ad-ver-TIZ-ment” to make the image really pop) of a toddler kid in two different photos, side-by-side. In the first, he’s clearly in agony trying to poop in a spittoon or whatever the hell constituted an Evenflo toddler potty back in 19-aught-5. In the next picture, he must be on the Miralax because shit be sliding and he’s one smiling motherfucker. Ah, but it’s not Miralax! It is—as the ad-ver-TIZ-ment states—Dr. Harter’s Liver Pills. Which, it implies, we should use if we plan to shit in a spittoon.

    The point is that I would likely have more of the same, and certainly wildly colored walls, if my repressed husband would get his Dr. Harter’s on more often.

    To sum up: You’re my favorite kind of unusual.

  12. Oh man, you need to live blog this visit.

  13. You’re my favorite. The clown has to go though. That’s not negotiable. Ok, fine…but, can you just hide it when I visit?

  14. nicole says:

    Clowns.Are.Terrifying.
    Your kids are going to need therapy if you don’t take that thing down.
    And I love your blog. And you. (I’m not a stalker, just a devoted reader.)

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  16. Kate K says:

    I love your light up Last Supper so much it hurts! I have a whole collection of Virgin Marys. I finally realized that having them all in my bedroom might not the best thing for my love life. I guess some guys just can’t perform if the BVM is looking at them. Go figure.

  17. Back before we had kids and we were fun, my husband and I used to hit up this 24 hour diner next door to a drag bar. It had a gigantic neon crucifix nestled between the men’s and women’s bathroom doors. The pictures of your mantle decor made me crave the Steve Buscemi, which was this joint called their diced ham and scrambled egg breakfast. That wasn’t even my favorite breakfast food, but I would order it just because I love Steve Buscemi so much.

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