This week, Bella’s new preschool teacher will be visiting our house. She visits each of her students at home the week before classes begin to help them feel more comfortable once school begins. I’m going to be cleaning my ass off that morning to be sure, but it’s not the messiness that’s got me worried. I’ve watched enough episodes of COPS to know that slightly messy houses are okay — it’s the houses that look like the walls were just power-washed the day before that earn you a visit from CPS.
Here’s the thing — we’re weird. Not dangerous weird, or don’t-let-your-kids-go-to-their-house weird. We just like odd things. Nothing wrong with that. We like our house, our family and friends know exactly what breed of crazy we are, and that’s all that matters. The problem arises when we invite new guests to our home. You see, I have lived with our collection of crazy shit for so long that I’ve become immune to it. Ergo, it’s only after the parents arrive at my kid’s birthday party that I realize that oh yeah, we have an entire wall above our fireplace dedicated to light-up religious pictures.
We’ve since retired the Wall o’ Heavenly Light, but there’s still plenty of odd things hanging around the house that I don’t even notice anymore. Here’s a few things currently in our home that might give Bella’s new teacher reason to pause:
This is a framed picture of Jabba the Hutt throwing up that I purchased (along with a companion piece depicting Batman throwing up) for Rob’s birthday last year. It hangs over our fireplace, just above a bunch of framed family photos. The fact that Jabba is completely missing the toilet deeply disturbs Phaedra.
Here’s this charming motherfucker that hangs on the wall adjacent to our fireplace. Rob bought it from The Salvation Army shortly after we moved in, under my extreme protest. He loves that the clown’s hair matches our bright orange living room walls. I don’t. It freaks me out. It reminds me of the sad clown that just shows up and follows you around in The Sims.
That’s something else that I forget about until people comment on it: the unusual paint colors around our house. When we bought the paint for our living room waaaaaaay back when, the guy at Home Depot who mixed it looked at the color and said, “Wow, that’s bright! Hope it’s not for your bedroom!” I looked at him with a big smile on my face and said, “Nope! It’s for our living room!” I don’t think we shared the same decorating taste.
This is my totebag that I take to work everyday, since I usually end up dragging home enough stuff to require a totebag. It’s the only totebag the kids aren’t allowed to use to drag their toys around town. Since I am so familiar with the book that this totebag is referring to, I forget that for other people, it just seems like a cry for help. Which actually makes me like this bag even more.
Here’s a collection of items sitting on top of our bread box: a genuine voodoo doll, a pair of binoculars, and a book of matches. I don’t really have a good explanation for this.
This is a sign that Rob brought home (are you seeing a pattern here?) from someplace, I don’t even know. He thought it would be hilarious to put it above the bathroom door. Get it?! “Chocolate Place”!! Like, POOP!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! People don’t always notice this one, but when they do, they’re usually very important people who I’m not trying to impress with poop jokes.
I’m sure there are other insane things hanging around the house that I didn’t notice when I was taking pictures, but rest assured, I will most definitely notice them about halfway through this nice lady’s visit this week. On the bright side, though, this may help her to be able to sort out which quirks are Bella’s autism and which quirks are just the result of good old-fashioned weirdo parents.