Welcoming 2016, or “What Fresh Hell is This?!”

@649point133 on InstagramWhy hello, everyone! Did you miss me? I missed you, and definitely gave a thought to writing something new for you this fall, in between bites of Halloween candy, kick-ass turkey (THAT I COOKED MYSELF WHUT WHUUUUUUT), and sugar cookies with a fuck-ton of frosting on them (thanks, Bella!).  But, alas, if you’ve been a reader for awhile, you know that I am pretty notorious for falling into a “Oh Jesus, not the holidays again” – fueled slump that puts me on hiatus from late September til about this time.  I’m proud to say that this year, I set a new record for ennui by failing to snap out of this slump before Christmas! But here I am, ready to tell you allllll the things I’m definitely going to do this year.  Get comfortable, because I am pretty good at putting things off for Future Janel to deal with, so the list is pretty long at this point:

Lose weight. Again. Last year, at this time, I decided to spend the winter quarter denying myself Christmas cookies in a quest to finally lose my preschooler weight (I had to stop calling it “baby weight”, since the baby is now four years old).  I spent the first twelve weeks of 2015 eating healthy and walking regularly, and lost almost 20 pounds! Yay! I then proceeded to celebrate my discipline and hard work by slowly gaining back ten of those pounds, putting in extra effort during the holidays because FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA, LA, FOOD.  The number of pounds gained is probably closer to thirteen or fifteen, but can you just do that thing that friends do where you think that in your head, and pretend like I’m telling you the truth? Cool.  I’m hoping to make this winter diet an annual tradition, because I specialize in stupid ideas.

Put the Christmas decorations away: At a certain point, somewhere between late January and early February, I start considering whether or not it would be so terribly bad if we just lived with Christmas decor for the rest of the year. “It could be our weird, quirky thing! We’re The Christmas Family!”  Then I remember all the other “cute” things that we do that make us “memorable” to people who visit our home, and I stomp up the attic stairs to retrieve the boxes.

Get this kid out of preschool: Guys, future post coming, but I am fucking done-zo with preschool. I’m the main star of the hit reality show, “I’m a Preschool Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!”  In this context, “celebrity” = “showing up ten minutes late, every day” and “forgetting for the fifth year in a row that the book for the Christmas party is supposed to be wrapped when you bring it to the party.”

Get this kid into kindergarten: This is going to be me the day I drop off all three of my kids at the same school this fall:


I preemptively apologized to Bella’s kindergarten teacher this year, because she would have Bella and Surrey in back-to-back school years. “Honestly, I don’t know who will be more work for you — my autistic daughter, or my redhead!”

She laughed. I laughed.  I feel like we were laughing for different reasons.

Go to Disney World: We’ve been telling the kids for years that we would go back to Disney the year Surrey started kindergarten.  Thus, we’ve been staring her down for four years, willing her to get bigger faster.  It’s finally worked, so this tax return will be wholly dedicated to schlepping all five of us to Orlando this September. Also, fun fact: are you aware of how much more fucking expensive it is to take five people to Disney as opposed to four? A LOT. Every time I start pricing it out, I get caught in the following vicious circle: “I should sell one of these kids to get the money to take us to Disney.” — “SHIT, that would negate the idea of needing money for taking the fifth person. Scratch that idea.” — “Now I need more money to take all of us to Disney.” — “I should sell one of these kids to get the money to take us to Disney…”

WRITE WRITE WRITE: Here’s the one that might possibly be good or bad news for you guys: I’m planning on writing my ass off this year.  Partly because I like it and have a spreadsheet full of ideas, but also because of this:


So rejoice! You’ll see me not only writing more here, but also there, and everywhere! And I don’t plan on being too picky — for real, if you see my name on an article in Playboy or Livestock Feed and Supply Monthly, do me a solid and just click through. It might actually be something worth reading.

Follow me on Facebook and Instagram so you never miss a post.  Better yet, pop your email address in the box at the top of the page and subscribe!  Also, you can read my essays in I Just Want to Be Alone, I Still Just Want to Pee Alone, and You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth!

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One Response to Welcoming 2016, or “What Fresh Hell is This?!”

  1. Erin says:

    Glad you’re back Janel! Time to renew my Livestock Feed & Supply Monthly subscription….

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