Things I Want to Do Before I Die

I refuse to call this my “bucket list” because that sounds so dumb. These are things that I would like to do, if possible, sometime in the next twenty years or so, most likely after my kids don’t need me to wipe their butts or high-five them for not peeing their pants.

1. Go to London and Tokyo. England = my jam. Tokyo just seems so cool.

2. Go to a high-end salon and have a complete hair makeover, just like on America’s Next Top Model minus the cuckoo ex-model.

3. Fix my shifted bottom teeth after I stupidly had the dentist remove the permanent retainer that was apparently the only thing keeping those teeth straight after braces (sorry, Mom).

4. See Simon and Garfunkel, Elton John, Stone Temple Pilots and Paul McCartney live in concert (not necessarily at the same concert). Not to be morbid, but for some of these bands, I feel like time is of the essence. I’m looking in your direction, Scott Weiland.

Please hang in there, buddy. With your fine self.

5. Be the recipient of a surprise birthday party. I turned thirty this year, people. THIRTY. Prime surprise-party year. Zero surprise parties around here.

6. Go on a shopping spree, where you go to a store, and somehow have $5,000 (or whatever) that you can spend of someone else’s money, with no strings attached. A cool store, not some dipshit store like Rite Aid or Wal-Mart. “Oh, I won a $1,000 shopping spree at Walgreens? No thanks, just hang on to your Wet ‘n Wild nail polish and pool noodles. I’m good.”

7. Hit the lottery, and win at least $10,000. More would be better, but to cross this off the list, I feel like $10K is my number.

8. Own a cat. I’ve always wanted a cat. I asked Santa for a cat when I was nine or so. He hemmed and hawed about it, which was not exactly the response I was looking for from Santa. I’m not sure I want one now, but sometime I will have one. It will love me and I will love him. It will have Mr. or Mrs. in its name, as in Mr. Cuddlesworth or Mrs. Fuzzington. It will be orange and allow me to pick it up whenever I want.

Also, it will hate me, because all cats hate me, because I treat them like dogs. 
I just don’t know any better.

9. Go to a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show. They do this every Halloween in Ann Arbor, but now this whole “I give a shit about my kids and making their Halloweens happy and fun” thing is really putting a cramp in my ability to dress up like Magenta and throw toilet paper at the movie screen.

10. Experience a decent-size earthquake. Not some dumb 2.5 Richter waste of my time, either.  Something big enough to be felt, but not so big I get injured or stuck somewhere that gets totally destroyed and I have to live in the Stone Age for a week or so. A nice, respectable earthquake that makes everyone go, “Whoa! Did you feel that? That was crazy! Look! Those dishes got broken! Awesome! Now let’s go back to our normal life.”

11. Be a contestant on Jeopardy! I tried out once for teen Jeopardy! when I was fifteen or so, but didn’t make it. It would be so awesome to actually get on the show.  Again, this is a more pressing item on the list: Alex Trebek turned 70 this year, so I really need to get on top of this one.

 That’s what she said.

Some past items on my list that I actually accomplished:

1. See Motley Crue live in concert. This is another one that I feel like I got in right on time, as I don’t even think they’re touring together right now. They make up and break up, you know. I caught them during their first really good make up. Then my dog decided to eat my tour poster. Suck my butt, Shaftie. I’ll never forgive you for that.

I said I was sorry.

2. Quit a job on the spot, as in, tell your boss you quit, hand him your keys, and walk out the door. Pretty much lived up to my expectations. He even went with it as if I had told him exactly what to say. “What? Why? But we really need you to help us figure out who’s stealing!…Well, okay, but I’m going to need your…Oh. You already have them ready to hand to me. Well, goodbye, I guess.” This is the same dumbass who made his entire staff of part-time employees show up for a 7:30 a.m. meeting, didn’t show up or call, and when we finally called him at 8:00 a.m., told us he couldn’t come in to his lame meeting because he ate some bad cheese the night before. BAD CHEESE. He seemed OK later that night, though, when he came in for his daily game of Magic: The Gathering with the assistant manager. Mr. Bad Cheese got a little too mouthy with me one night over how I handled the register cash drawers, and while I counted the money in the back office, I decided that I simply couldn’t give a fuck, and I bounced. Enjoy your cheese, Andy. Also? Your other assistant manager is the person that’s been stealing all summer, dick. Have fun getting fired by Corporate.

3. Get laryngitis and literally not be able to talk. It was so cool. It didn’t hurt, I just couldn’t make words come out of my mouth. I was working another retail job where I ran a register all night, and got to try to ring people up without talking to them. For someone with half a brain and a sense of manners, this was challenging and fun.  Then magically, it was gone the next day.  It was like the Laryngitis Fairy came and granted my wish.  Thanks, Laryngitis Fairy!

You’re welcome, Janel.
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5 Responses to Things I Want to Do Before I Die

  1. Maria says:

    I’m so glad you posted. I was needing some source of amusement and your blog never fails. Hmmm… I’m not sure why you wanted Laryngitis. I’ve had it before and it is torturous for me to not be able to talk. But that could be a personality thing 🙂 Got a good laugh over #6. Dude, who would EVER want a $1,000 to Walgreens, unless they were on serious prescription meds? Gee, I hope you get a cat someday and I hope it loves the girls as much as it will love you, or you may be in for some fun times. And would someone pleeeezzz, who lives in MI, give this gal a surprise party this year??? Last but not least, I took out my bottom retainer and am still suffering the effects today. But I started wearing the plastic one at night, so that helps.

  2. Nicole says:

    I think I am in debt to you for a surprise party, considering you helped orchestrate one for me. Beware, it will include shiny foil condoms and cucumbers! Plus, no one should throw you a surprise party on your 30th birthday- it is way too predictable.

  3. Nicole says:

    I love Google Ads! I just observed 4 ads for dentists and one ad encouraging me to watch Hoarders from you post.

  4. Brenna says:

    Obviously when they’re not all up in your joint about making Halloween “fun” and keeping you from dressing in drag at the movies, your kids are preventing you from posting more often, which I so wish you’d have time for.

  5. Janel says:

    Aww thanks 🙂 Believe me, any of you are welcome to call these kids and tell them to leave me alone for more than the thirty minutes it takes to shower so I can do more writing.

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