The Easter Bunny Photo: An Analysis

Oh look!  We went to see the Easter Bunny last weekend!  Here’s the picture!

Guess who didn’t shower and got to make
an unexpected appearance in this year’s picture?

Oooooh boy.  Before we go any further with this post, can I just point out that I paid $22 dollars for this little masterpiece? The girl at the register was all, “Do you want a frame?” And I was like “HAHAHAHA” until I saw the cool LED light-up frame they had set up on the counter, and then I strongly considered it before saying no.

Anyways, let’s analyze this year’s picture, shall we?

Bella: Oh Jesus.  So from the start, I thought I would have any and all Bella-related problems covered.  That’s how delusional I was at the beginning of this day.  I found her favorite Yoshi toy to hold, since she gets easily overwhelmed by the mall.  But then there was a short line, which I thought was great because it was only three families long.  However, Bella thought this was horrible because OMG IT’S THREE WHOLE FAMILIES LONG.  She spent her time waiting in line seeing how far she could reach her leg through the wrought-iron fence surrounding the bunny area, pushing a kid out of the way so she could get a better look at an animatronic chick’s face, and laying on the floor of the JCPenny’s purse department spinning in circles.  When it was finally our turn, the kid who usually can’t wait to run up and hug the Easter Bunny got cold feet.  It took three whole minutes of cajoling and styrofoam Easter egg negotiations to convince Bella to sit on the bench with the Easter Bunny.  The tongue is her standard picture expression right now; the ominous finger-across-the-throat move is just a bonus.

Phaedra: Look at that poor kid, sitting and posing perfectly.  She’s constantly dealing with the traveling circus that is her sisters when we go out in public.  She sat for three whole minutes on that rabbit’s knee waiting for me to corral her sisters into the frame.  Girlfriend was just happy to be wearing a cute dress and matching shoes in public.  When your sister is also wearing a cute dress but trying to lick her own shoes in public, it’s the little things that matter.

Surrey: All morning, Surrey was pumped to see the Easter Bunny.  I feel like when we said “bunny” she was picturing something closer to an actual rabbit than the half-human, half macrocephalic monster that we took her to see.  She wouldn’t get near him.  Now, as wild as these outings have been over the years, I pride myself in the fact that I’ve never had a kid bail on a picture.  It may not be pretty, but they’ve all made it into the photo. Since this is His holiday and all, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?  How would He get this red-headed heathen of a child to take this picture?”  I decided that our Savior would get down on one knee, sit that kid on His leg, and tell that teenager behind the camera to take the picture NOW! HURRY! SMILE GIRLS!

I’m going to bring Tebow-ing back, but only in times of extreme need.  
Like when Taco Bell takes my favorite burrito off the menu.

Right before she took the picture, one of the bunny attendants said, “Don’t worry, we can crop you out if you want.” Dude, seriously?  The only thing weirder than a barely acceptably-dressed-for-the-public me kneeling with my kid on my knee would be a picture of my baby inexplicably floating in space with something that looks like a dismembered adult arm around her waist.  If you’re offering, though, maybe you could Photoshop that big-ass frown on her face into a smile?  Could you literally take that frown and turn it upside-down?  I mean, if we’re going for creepy, let’s go all the way.

Now, let me be clear: I have absolutely no standards at all for these kinds of pictures.  I’m not going for Norman Rockwell-level pictures.  I realize that I’m in a mall and my kids are being photographed by a young girl that is most likely making minimum wage to click a camera no more than twice per family.  It’s not about getting a good shot where everyone’s actually looking at the camera and smiling; it’s about capturing the moment.  So fucking what if Bella’s holding a Yoshi toy and I’m kneeling in the picture?  That was what our life looked like this year.  At this moment in our family’s life, Surrey is in the middle of her asshole phase, Bella is sticking her tongue out in every picture, and Phaedra is predictably well-behaved and utterly appalled by her sisters’ behavior.  I wanted a picture that showed all that, and that’s what I got.

 I didn’t necessarily want to pay $22 for it, though.  I don’t need to remember her asshole phase that clearly.

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4 Responses to The Easter Bunny Photo: An Analysis

  1. Jenn says:

    Holy shit, I am in love with this picture! And your love of the fucked up Taco Bell menu tempting us with the deliciousness of a burrito and then violently ripping it away from us again, just like back in the day. We should boycott that shit. And the asshole phase? It ends 😉
    Well, for a while. My 16 year old has re-entered it. I think it’s part of the whole teenage suck-a-thon we get to endure. Yay parenting!

    • I’ve always believed that the teen years are just a repeat of the toddler years in terms of attitude; just add a “1” in front of the toddler’s age and that’s basically what you can expect from them when they’re teenagers.

  2. Ohmygod. I’m sitting here with a sleeping four-month-old and I’m trying to contain my laughter and it’s mostly coming out of my nose instead. That finger across the throat kills me. This is one that your girls are going to love looking at years from now.

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