Listen gang — I don’t know about you, but it’s been a rough week over here. No matter which side of the political fence you’re on, this election has been a big steaming pile of horseshit that we all collectively stepped in and then realized we tracked allllllll over the goddamn house and Internet. Facebook is a disaster of arguing with distant relatives and old high school friends, doomsday news articles, and memes. Two of my kids are actively boycotting brushing their teeth in the morning, I can’t figure out how to get rid of the fucking gnats that followed the houseplants in from living outside all summer, and to top it all off, today our office Thanksgiving potluck was cancelled in favor of a HEALTHY SALAD BUFFET.
I WISH THAT LAST PART WAS A JOKE.
Fellow Americans, I know it feels like this country is falling apart, and that we’re basically all swirling around and around the toilet bowl, waiting for that final glug to put us out of our misery. This sentiment becomes particularly more pronounced when people start thinking about Thanksgiving. Many of us are worried about the prospect of having their first post-election family gathering. Which I completely understand — judging by my social media feed, some of you are related to some real assholes. But take heart, because I think we’ve all collectively lost sight of one very important thing this year:
THANKSGIVING IS ABOUT EATING.
Remember that? I sure as fuck haven’t forgotten about it, but it seems like everyone else has. I mean, at this point last year, I had about fifteen different Delish recipe videos saved to my Facebook and had already texted my response to “What’s everyone bringing to dinner?” to the family group message (spoiler alert: it’s rolls, every year. They love me, but they know not to trust me with anything more complicated). This year, though, it seems like everyone is more concerned with how Aunt Gloria will react when her college-aged nephew pours a bag of Cheetos all over her dinner plate and yells, “HERE YA GO! I JUST MADE THANKSGIVING GREAT AGAIN!!!!!”
It’s time we as a country got back to basics: figuring out how to eat an insane amount of food in a single meal. We need to put aside our differences for just one day, put on our fat pants, and get to work on carb-loading like a fucking marathon runner, just as the Founding Fathers intended. It’s time to realize that those fifteen extra holiday pounds are not going to magically appear on your ass on their own, and it’s time you took some goddamn initiative and put an extra helping of cheesy potatoes on your plate UNLESS YOU DON’T LOVE THIS COUNTRY WHICH IN THAT CASE GO MAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING POTATOES AND LEAVE THE REST FOR US RED-BLOODED AMERICANS. Because let’s face it, you guys: we’ve got a lot of feelings right now, and Thanksgiving is the perfect opportunity to eat every last one of them while glaring coldly across the table at your cousin’s wife.
Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful, and believe it or not, we have a lot of things to be thankful for. I’m thankful that when people are eating, they can’t talk about politics. If you’re hosting dinner, this is not the year to skimp on the hors d’oeuvres. Make it rain pickles and cheeses the second your guests walk through the door. Let’s also take a moment to be thankful for those relatives that couldn’t make it to dinner this year — you know who I’m talking about. Finally, let’s be thankful that Thanksgiving is all about eating, and not about gift-giving. Can you imagine what would be happening right now if we had this election and then went straight into Christmas two weeks later?! Could you restrain yourself from ordering a glitter bomb for your brother-in-law right now? Really? Let this Thanksgiving be a trial run for your future encounters with your politically-opposed family members. Get the grumbling, puns, and dirty looks out of your system now, guys, because in about a month, we’re going to reconvene, and so help me Hamilton we’re going to be the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
So, listen up motherfuckers: I know everyone has been sad, angry, frustrated, or whatever since this garbage election cycle came to an end. But it’s time we all sucked it up again and did our civic duty next week. I don’t care if that means you pack up your kids and head over to your Grandma’s house, meet your siblings and parents at a restaurant, or just cook a turkey dinner at home with your immediate family. But come November 24, I expect each and every one of you to stand up, pick up a plate, and fill that plate with turkey and a random assortment of side dishes until it becomes painfully apparent that you can never hope to finish the amount of food piled onto your plate. Because I don’t give a good goddamn who was elected to the White House, WE ARE ALL AMERICANS AND THIS IS WHAT WE FUCKING DO.
But seriously, if anyone even breathes a word about a salad buffet, you cut that Communist right out of your life.
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