Taking Three Children to the Grocery Store on Your Day Off: The Stages of Grief

9:00 am: Denial

Oh goddamnit, the grocery store.  I forgot about the grocery store.  Hey, you know what?  Fuuuuuuuuuck that.  I’m not going today.  I’m tired and it’s my day off.  I’m seriously not going anywhere today.  Just gonna stay home and relax.  Get caught up on some laundry.  I’ll go to the grocery store on…uh…I don’t know.  Some day, whatever.  Definitely not today.

10:15 am: Anger

AAAAAAHHHHHH THERE’S NO FOOD IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE!!!  We’ve been out of pretzels for days, how the hell am I going to get through this weekend without any pretzels?!?!  And that two liter of Pepsi in the fridge is certainly not going to last the day.  Goddamn kids eating up all the food.  I may have to go to the store today.

12:20 pm: Bargaining

Maybe I can just run to the store real quick after Surrey finishes her nap.  I’ll just take her and leave the older girls home with Rob.  I could shop in peace, and it would take at least thirty minutes less than it usually does.  Yeah, that’s a good plan.  Make a list and then just slip out the door before they even notice I’m gone.  Distract them with a movie.  I could handle going to the store with just one kid, I guess.

3:09 pm: Depression

I’m going to have to take all three of these assholes to the store.  There’s no way I’ll sneak out of the house without someone going nuclear, and besides, I’ll never finish shopping and get home before Rob has to leave for work.  This is going to suck so hard.  Hey, remember last weekend when Bella threw that enormous tantrum in the store when it was time to leave?  The clerks had to unload the cart onto the checkout lane after she bolted, I had to track her down in the store like a fucking big-game hunter, and then the bagger pushed the cart out to the car while I followed behind carrying a screaming, thrashing Bella.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

5:09 pm: Acceptance

“Come on, girls, get your shoes on!  Let’s go to the supermarket!  Got your backpack on, Bella?  Here’s your sippy cups, everyone!  No, let’s leave at least five of these Barbies at home.  Surrey, still got a clean diaper?  Excellent.  Now remember, we’re only buying food at the supermarket, so I don’t want to hear anyone asking for anything else.  Okay, are we all buckled?  Good.  Great.  Grand.  Wonderful! Let’s go!”

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This entry was posted in ambivalence, bad ideas, famous last words, more than two kids, one of these girls better get rich and famous, professional slacker. Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Taking Three Children to the Grocery Store on Your Day Off: The Stages of Grief

  1. Jenn Stafiej says:

    Janel, you crack me up!
    Everytime I read one of you blogs, I’m peeing myself by the end. I have 5 kids and I’m a single mom. 3 have mood disorders, one severely. The grocery store is my own personal version of HELL. Thanks for giving me a giggle this morning!

  2. Karen says:

    This killed me. You’re so good. So good. And I don’t spray that like Canadian architects spray Roman columns everywhere, not me. Also, I won’t go to the store without at least one more adult than there are kids, and if that means we all starve – and by that I mean, eat pancakes with ketchup for two days, well, fuck it. You’re one tough bitch grappling this kind of ratio. Slow clap.

  3. Brad Schweda says:

    Oh, I do love your tales and exploits into the unknown/Semi-known territories of motherhood. I giggle every time I read your posts. Keep it coming 🙂

  4. Cherie says:

    I fucking hate grocery shopping. I’m with you sister.

  5. Arnebya says:

    The grocery shopping I can deal with (I actually enjoy it, and for a nominal fee, I will do it for you (and not even get high in the back of the truck like the Giant Peapod guy I saw)). What I can’t take is having to take them all with me BECAUSE WE DON’T NEED NO GODDAMN CHIPS. (Wait, shit, we need chips).

    • Janel Mills (@649point133) says:

      It does help cut down on the junk food bringing the kids, because it’s so much easier to say no to them than to myself. But then later I really want those chips.

  6. Anne says:

    This brings back so many memories…unfortunately I don’t feel like it’s closure yet: mine are teenagers now and I am waiting for you to write about clothes shopping at the mall!

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  8. Allison Hart says:

    This is gold. I recently had a shopping trip that left me seriously regretting the day I went off the pill in 2006. This was after 2 days with no milk in the house because the kids dropped and broke 2 gallons in the checkout line while shopping with my husband and he didn’t have the fortitude to go back and get more. I lived in the first 4 stages of grief for 2 whole days while my kids begged for a cup of milk. This here is pretty much exactly what I went through.

    • Oh dear God, the milk at the checkout. To be fair, I don’t think I’d have the strength to go back, either. I’d leave a child behind if one of them was slow enough getting to the car.

  9. Kim says:

    My husband decided he’d come shopping with us one day. I got to glare at him the entire. Then when the two year old had a screaming fit for candy at check out (just like he always does) I got to say “see this is why I don’t take them, this is why I only go when I can leave them home with you.” All he could do was shake his head and say, “I know.” Even though it was torture I was just happy he got to feel my pain.

  10. Raelene says:

    You are hilarious. LOVE this! I have three girls and the grocery store has always caused intense pain. “Put that down. Stop touching each other. Where is your sister?” One of the girls told the guy in line behind me at the checkout that “we just had a divorce and mommy is wearing her new red panties today.” And watching things I did not put in the cart roll by on the conveyor belt is a treat.

    • “Where is your sister?” is a phrase I say at least once every five minutes during the hour or so that we’re in that store. Also, it sounds like your girls are really looking out for your love life, so that’s a plus, right?

  11. Tiffany says:

    Bahaha!
    I hate grocery shopping. My kids are great 99% of the time. That other 1% of the time when they are so not is inevitably at the grocery store where my husband actually works. Meaning that not only are they being insane, people we know are there to witness it Every. Single. Time.
    Fabulous.

  12. Dude, that’s terrible. I mean, everyone at the grocery store knows us, too, but not really for good reasons. I’m just the woman who insists on taking all those kids to the store with her every Sunday.

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