I love Amy Poehler. Like, really, reeeeeeeeeeally love her. I loved her as Andy’s little sister on Conan back in the day, as that cool girl on Upright Citizen’s Brigade, and don’t even get me started on SNL. I am now obsessed with all things Parks & Recreation, and am currently super-ultra-pissed that I forgot to add it to our new DVR and now have to go online to catch up on the first two episodes of the season. LIFE IS SO HARD.
So, because of all my
stalking research, I know that Amy is the funniest, smartest, strongest female celebrity of all time, ever ever, and I really want to be her best friend. We would be awesome best friends because we have a lot in common. We both have kids, so that’s a start. I feel like she’s probably weird like me, and might not be completely freaked out by the crazy stuff in our house.
However, there’s a slight chance that I could get too weird (I know, right?!). Sometimes, when I meet famous people that I really admire, I embarrass myself. For example, one time at a sci-fi convention, I got to meet LeVar Burton, or, as I know him, Geordi La Forge. Now, I was a brand-new Trekkie with a two-episode-a-day habit, so meeting Geordi was a big deal. So, after I waited for the single person waiting in line in front of me to get his picture autographed, it was my turn. Instead of playing it cool, my geek-0-meter went into the red. While LeVar signed the picture that I paid $20 for, Rob watched helplessly while I gushed, “You’re, like, my favorite on Star Trek! I love your character so much!” To which his reply was, “Uh huh,” as he passed my picture back to me and looked up for the next person. Womp womp. It was the worst. I mean, in fairness, he’s fucking Kunta Kinte, so he’s entitled to a little swagger, but man, you’re at a sci-fi convention! Own it, dude!“Wait, I’m at a sci-fi convention?! Dammit, I TOLD them I couldn’t see shit with these glasses on!”
So while I would love to tell you that I think Amy Poehler visiting my house for dinner and a playdate would result in us becoming lifelong friends, I don’t think that’s how it would go down. This is kind of how I picture the conversation:
Me: “Oh my gosh, Amy, you are like, my favorite female funny person ever. You’re so funny, and smart, and beautiful!”
Amy: “Oh, thanks!”
Me: “I want to be like you.”
Me: “Can I touch your hair?”
Me: “I wish we were best friends! Let’s be best friends! Can we be best friends?”
Me: “Are we best friends yet?”
Me: “Do you want to watch clips of you on SNL?“
So, yeah. I am not cut out to have conversations with celebrities like a normal human being. But, my friend Ilana from Mommy Shorts, as it turns out, is very good at it. She has a new web series on ulive called The Mommy Show, and I’m telling you, it’s brilliant. You know how you invite your friends over to talk, but your kid decides they’re going to ask you for juice about 537 times and insist you read the Biscuit book in that funny voice you do and then try to show your friend the sweet dance moves they just learned in tap class last week? That’s what Ilana does, except with celebrities like Rachel Dratch (who is my alternate best friend candidate, since things evidently aren’t going well with Amy), and she manages to actually conduct an interview and get her insanely cute kids to do crafts with the guests. Her daughter will grow up and one day tell her friends about the day she made a sock octopus with Taye Diggs. I’m not even kidding. My kids, on the other hand, will grow up and tell their friends about the time they colored with our friend who saw the guy who played Bud Bundy at a restaurant. Same, but different.
At any rate, go check out all of Ilana’s webisodes. They’re great, and she’s great. It will not be a waste of your 10-15 minutes, I promise you. Plus, you’ll find out whether or not Taye Diggs can operate a child-safety lock on a toilet (SPOILER ALERT: I hope his bladder control is exceptional.)
And Amy? I promise I’ll stop sending you Photoshopped pictures of us together if you’ll just drop the restraining order. KTHXBAI!