1. Walk into a room conducting testing for karate belts and start crawling under spectators’ chairs.
2. Re-enter the same karate testing room two minutes later and lay down screaming and crying because I insist she leave.
3. Climb halfway across a group of chairs stacked five feet high.
4. Say “Merry Christmas, Mom!” and hug my leg when I get her down from the five-foot tower of chairs.
5. Disappear for about ten minutes while I had the nerve to try to pay for Phaedra’s recital costume, leaving me to wander around the building frantically looking for her.
6. Discover that the bitches also waiting for their kids who saw me walk past multiple times with the “where the hell is she?” look on my face didn’t bother to tell me she was just across the hall and up the stairs where the dance class was actually taking place.
7. Engage me in a little Abbot & Costello-style game where I set Surrey down to go drag Bella back down the hall, then set her down to retrieve Surrey after she’s crawled down the hall, then drag Bella back down the hall…
8. Lay down in the exercise bike room screaming “WAIT! WAIT! NOOOO MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!”
9. Go into full meltdown mode, which causes me to lose my own shit in front of five other dance moms/bitches (as well as the staff, i.e. my husband’s coworkers) and finally decide that you know what? I changed my mind! I’m not really that concerned about whether or not you wear your coat to the car because WE’RE GETTING THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.
Can’t wait for next week!