Permanently Cold People of Earth: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

I am always cold.  Always.  I don’t care what time of year it is, or how warmly you think you keep your house heated.  The only time I am not cold is in the summertime when it’s over 75 degrees outside.  Even then, I’ll probably bring a jacket with me in the car to your event, juuuuust in case.  I run my illegal space heater that I have under my work desk all year round.  I don’t give a shit that it’s 90 degrees outside — it’s the fucking Antarctic here in my library, so I’m gonna wear three cardigans and run this space heater until my cold dead heart feels a little less cold.

This time of year is particularly tough for my fellow cold-blooded, taking-a-night-shower-just-to-get-warm brothers and sisters (mostly sisters, though, let’s be real).  However, lately I have discovered one item that will literally make you see the light and make this winter much more bearable than previous winters.

An electric blanket

Listen.  I had no idea what I was missing out on before I received one of these for Christmas.  Here’s footage of me the first time I used it:

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Winter is a time where my desire to live a balmy 80 degree indoor lifestyle goes directly against my strong desire to spend as little money as possible. Hence, from November til April I’m basically frozen and broke, walking around my house wearing a sweater and two sweatshirts on my way to sitting on the couch underneath two blankets and one around my shoulders because I keep the thermostat set at a barely survivable 66 degrees during the day.  I risk hypothermia every day because I can’t afford to send all of my paycheck to the gas company.  This makes me bitter and unhappy because my brain is telling me that I need to curl up in a ball to conserve my body heat for potential emergencies, yet my kids want dumb things like “dinner” and “help with their homework.”

BUT IT’S ALL GOOD NOW BECAUSE WHY?

ELECTRIC BLAAAAAAAANKET

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Electric blanket has improved my winter quality of life by about 126%.  I have my thermostat set to automatically drop down to 62 degrees around 11pm until shortly before we wake up in the morning. This is, again, an attempt to save money, which it does.  However, it sucks because after suffering through being cold and dealing with work and kids all day, I have to sit on my couch and slowly freeze to death each night after bedtime.  BUT NOT ANYMORE! Now, I’m perspiring underneath my electric blanket while I stay up late and watch old episodes of Catfish on TV and I could not be happier (or sweatier).

In fact, my entire family has heard the Good News about Our Lord and Savior, Electric Blanket.  Here’s me and the kids at our weekly Movie Night:

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The past few nights I’ve had to repossess my blanket from Rob when I come downstairs after finishing the whole bedtime song and dance.  But it’s not just the humans in our house that love it:

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When we leave the house, I put the blanket on the floor and turn it on low for this little old man (there’s a safety timer that turns it off after a few hours).  When I use it at night, I literally have to fight with the dog to get the right distribution of blanket between ourselves.  That’s because I’m at the maturity level in my life where I’m bickering with a small dog over a blanket.

The only problem I have right now is that once I am parked underneath this blanket, I am pretty much not getting up again until it’s time for bed.  Dog needs to go outside?  Grow some thumbs, little guy.  Remote is over there across the room?  This show is fine, I guess.  I need something to drink?  It’s fine, I’ll just be thirsty.

Thirsty and INSANELY WARM YAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS ELECTRIC BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANKETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

So if you would like to stop being miserable for 2/3 of the year while just trying to fucking exist and live your life while feeling the cold deep down in your bones and soul, get yourself an electric blanket, and then gather up all the snacks and supplies you’re going to need for the next few hours, because we’re cranking this motherfucker up to bake at 325 degrees, honey.  MAMA’S GOT A FEW POST-HOLIDAY POUNDS TO SWEAT OFF.

***BTDubs, I’m also an Amazon.com Associate, which means every six months I get a check for like $1.50 when people click on the links above and order anything at all.  Just so you know how much of a baller I am.***

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8 Responses to Permanently Cold People of Earth: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

  1. You make me laugh every single time. Every.Time. How do you do that?!?!

    Anyway, I’m thrilled you’ve seen the light. I mean the warmth. Whatever.

  2. Michelle says:

    Aw, yeah! Sitting on/under the electric blanket on my couch right now. It stays there permanently because my bed has fleece sheets–not flannel, FLEECE! You must try them if you haven’t already.

  3. Aussa says:

    SOULMATE.

    I had to yell it. We are the same person.

  4. Nikki says:

    I live in California where it’s currently 80 degrees in February….and I’m wearing a sweater. You are my people.

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