Not a Kept Man…Yet

My husband has big plans for me.  Ever since I announced I was going to use my useless liberal arts degree to attend library school, he has had dreams of me getting a high-paying job that would allow him to quit his job and stay home.  When we started having children, each birth would renew his obsession with becoming a modern-day homemaker.  He imagines a lifestyle where he can stay home and take care of the kids.  He insists that he would make cooking and cleaning his job, but when he said that, I feel like he actually meant to say “Netflix and Skyrim”.  I’ve yet to find my million-dollar librarian job, though, so I guess we’ll never really know who’s right. (It’s me.)

Since I began writing, though, I’ve noticed his interest in this fantasy of his start to peak again.  I can see little dollar signs pop up in his eyes when he notices me writing on my laptop.  The other day, when I told him how difficult I thought it would be to write a book, I heard a faint “cha-ching!” sound from his end of the couch.  So imagine his delight when I told him that my essay was going to be published in I Just Want to Be Alone, the newest book in the I Just Want to Pee Alone anthology series.  But wait — imagine his further delight when I told him that the essay was about him!

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Then imagine his reaction when I told him that he still had to go to work the next day.

Courtesy of Reaction Gifs

Now, listen: don’t feel bad for him, because there’s something you can do to help him out.  I know for a fact that many of the fifteen people who read this blog are huge Rob fans.  I know this because at least once a week someone posts on the Facebook page about reviving It’s a Man’s World, where Rob answers your questions while playing video games next to me on the couch.  I’ve failed to see any posts asking me to write something else about my kids shitting all over the house, despite the fact that I’ve done it several times.  It’s fine.  I can take a hint.  

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So, if you want to read a hilarious story about what happens when you take Rob to Disney World and parade him around in the hot sun, I suggest you order this book.  It’s a win-win for you, really: you get a great Rob story, and you do your small part to helping him towards his career goal of being a kept man.  It drops on March 22, but you can pre-order your book now and have it show up ON YOUR DOORSTEP (or Kindle or whatever the hell you people use to avoid having to touch an actual paper-based book) the very day it’s released.

So order today.  Because really, how can you say “no” to this face?

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12 Responses to Not a Kept Man…Yet

  1. Shirley says:

    I want one!

  2. I must have stared at that dancing guy and his distractingly weird outfit for at least three minutes, maybe five. Where is he from?

  3. Krystal says:

    I also stared at that dancing guy for far too long. I will pay Rob to learn and perform that dance. And by pay him I mean that I will buy him pizza and soda the next time he comes over. Deal?

  4. Hold the phone. Is that a JCV-fucking-D gif?

  5. dg says:

    DAMN YOU. you make me laugh so hard every single time. i can’t love you anymore than i do..i give up…it’s too much love.
    xoxo congrats!!
    dg

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