It’s a Man’s World — “I Just Want to Be Alone” Edition!

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Since my essay in the new book I Just Want to Be Alone is about Rob, why not celebrate the release with a brand new “It’s a Man’s World” post!

Late last night, I hopped on Facebook and asked everyone for their questions for Rob.  In true Rob fashion, he refused to answer any of them.  So, instead, I pulled this list of “New Parents’ 8 Most-Asked Questions” from Parenting magazine.  I started reading the questions to him out loud, and by the time I got to #3, he had declared the people asking these questions “fucking dumb”.  I knew I had him.

So, let’s get down to business, shall we?  Feel free to pass this along to any brand-new parents you might know.  Actually, please don’t do that.  If this goes how I think it’s going to go, that will only lead to tears and Xanax for them.  But, in all honesty, that’s probably where this whole parenting thing is headed anyways, so I don’t know.  Use your best judgement.  Be an adult.  I CAN’T HELP YOU THROUGH THIS DECISION.

1. How can I tell if my baby is getting enough breast milk, since I can’t count the number of ounces?

  • Stupid.  I mean, like, how big are your titties?  How many ounces is one of your tits? Get a measuring cup, shove your tit into the measuring cup, and then you’ll know how many ounces your tit can hold.  It’s science.  Or why don’t you just feed your fucking baby until it doesn’t eat anymore.  Still hungry?  Keep feeding your fucking baby.  Is that wrong?

2. I’m not sure that I’m bonding with my baby. Isn’t this something that’s supposed to happen automatically?

  • What does that even mean?  Like, your baby is ignoring you?  That’s kind of hard because it’s a baby.  What, it won’t fucking play cards with you?  You guys can’t sit down and hammer out what you thought about the latest episode of whatever show’s on TV?  Is it a male baby?  Take it paint-balling.  What kind of girl-bonding is there?  Girl bond?  Gold Bond!  Remember that story from college where that dude put Gold Bond on his nuts, and he gave himself a chemical burn, so they put out an APB warning the students not to “GB”?  Shit’s dangerous.

3. Our 5-month-old wakes up four to six times a night. Sometimes he’s not even hungry  — he just wants us to comfort him. How can we get him to sleep through the night?

  • You’re fucking selfish, bro!  How old’s this kid?  ONLY four or five times a night?! That’s IT?! Consider yourselves lucky.  Let’s see, what did we try?  Benadryl?  Didn’t work.  Spoiler alert: doesn’t work for everyone.  What else did we try?  We didn’t really try much.  I mean, he’s a fucking baby!  Here’s what you can do: sit him down in a chair, Intervention-style, with all your friends and family that care about him, and you say, “Listen, Junior, your sleep (or lack thereof) has negatively affected me in the following ways.”  Try to rationalize with the baby about how his sleeping is negatively affecting you, even though you got jizz shot up all inside you and now you’re fucking complaining.  Deal with it, bitch.  {Editor’s note: JESUS CHRIST.}

4. Our 3-month-old’s bowel movements vary from day to day. Sometimes she has several in one day and none the next. Should we be concerned?

  • Yes, you should be concerned that you’re a fecal freak.  Baby’s gonna shit, or not gonna shit.  I’m concerned for you that you care so much about doodoo.  Like, does you want more?  You should be concerned about how you don’t have to wash your hands because you don’t have a baby that shits up it’s back every day.  Wipe your own ass if you need to clean up more shit.

5. Is it true that I could spoil my baby by picking him up every time he cries?

  • Is this that “cry it out” bullshit?  Bro, your baby’s like, months old.  It’s not that smart or manipulative.  I feel like this is a little ridiculous.  I mean, what’s the alternative, you sit there and let it cry?  So, okay, choice A is you spoil your baby, and choice B is you neglect your baby?  So how about this: you pick it up every time it cries, and then you don’t buy it a cell phone when it’s eight years old.  Problem solved.

6. I’m going back to work in a couple of weeks and I’d like to continue breastfeeding. What’s the best way to do this?

  • Bring your baby to work with you?  Wormholes?  Yeah, just stick your tit in the wormhole, and have your baby’s head on the other side, and then you can breastfeed it from work.  Is that the question?  Just bottle that shit up, son.  Get one of those sweet suction machines.  {At this point, Rob actually demonstrated the sound a breast pump makes.}  Whoa whoa whoa.  How old’s your kid?  Are you going back to work because your kid’s in college?  Is that the case?  Because that’s fucking gross.

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7. I can’t get my husband more involved in caring for our 6-month-old son, and I want his help. What can we do? 

  • Who’s we? What’s this we mean?  You and the baby?  The editorial we?  Um, hmmm, I don’t know, talk to him?  Ask him?  Say, “Could you please take care of the kid?”  Or bribe him with sex I guess, you frigid bitch.  {At this point, Rob was strongly urged to clarify who the fuck was the frigid bitch in this situation.}  Or do one of those tough love situations and just leave him with the kid for a week.  Then they’ll learn to love each other.

 

8. How do I know when to start feeding my baby solids, and which foods should I start with?

  • What are these, like frequently asked questions?  Do these people read any books before they have kids?  These are the types of people who get pregnant, don’t go to any birthing classes, and then don’t know what the hell they’re doing.  Solid foods.  Fuck, I don’t know.  You give them solid foods when your wife tells you to give them solid foods.  That’s the way I did it.  Or shit, your sneaky-ass in-laws have already probably sneaked your baby some food, so don’t worry about it.  He’s already had Twinkies, and you’re over here worried about applesauce.  He needs some solid food to soak up all that Jack Daniels your grandma gave him so he’d sleep.

Oh look!  A bonus question:

9.  How does Rob feel about his new book, and where can I buy a copy of it?

  • I don’t fucking know.  The Internet?  Amazon?  I’m not seeing any fucking money from it, so what do I care.
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter so you never miss a post.  Better yet, pop your email address in the box at the top of the page and subscribe!  Also, you can read my essays in the new book I Just Want to Be Alone, and also in You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth!

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6 Responses to It’s a Man’s World — “I Just Want to Be Alone” Edition!

  1. Tiffany says:

    I literally found your blog the second I finished your essay in “I just want it be alone.” Awesome, awesome stuff! I will absolutely be back!

    • Yay! I’m so glad you liked the book, and now my blog! You can’t see it, but I just hugged my computer monitor. That’s for you. And for the guy who watches the security cameras, I guess.

  2. monica says:

    number 8 made me spit coffee onto the screen (so, thank you?). I so wish I’d read this post (instead of the mountain of “baby books”) before having four kids. it would have totally clarified the fuck out of the shit for me.

  3. Ohmygod so, so funny. It’s too bad Rob doesn’t write parenting books. I feel like he could save a lot of freak-out-y new parents some strife. He might want to self-publish though. I’m not sure how Random House or whoever feels about the phrase “jizz shot up all inside you.”

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