I Made the Worst Haul Video in the History of Haul Videos

After I had kids, my grandma would always sign my birthday cards with “spend this on you.”  I don’t recall if I’d ever mentioned what I actually do with my birthday money, but as someone who raised four kids herself, I’m guessing she knew from experience.  I always tried to follow her advice, but you know — sometimes the kids need new sandals, or you see a t-shirt you know they’ll love…

I was reminded of my grandma’s commandment last weekend, when I went to Target with $75 worth of gift cards that I received from my family.  I started out doing really well, and by the time I reached the checkouts, I realized how miserably I’d failed.  So I decided to commemorate my poor shopping decisions with a haul video.  A haul video, for those of you not familiar with this incredibly banal corner of YouTube, is when a person shows you everything they bought at the store.  It’s basically what I do to my husband whenever I go to the store, except instead of talking at him, I can talk straight to the camera and exert less energy trying to ignore the super annoyed expression on his face.

So, a few things to remember watching this:

a) I swear a lot, obviously, because I refused to be raised correctly.

b) I realize that 142 lbs. is not a whole lot of pounds relatively speaking, but it is about twenty pounds past where I was before having kids, so it’s a big deal to me.  Plus, all twenty pounds currently resides in the middle of my body, instead of spread out evenly.  I recently had a come-to-Jesus meeting with my ass to let it know that unfortunately it was going to remain this size for a little while longer.  I haven’t broke the news to my stomach or thighs yet, so please keep it quiet for a little bit.

c) FOR REAL, A DOG DISH?!

Okay, anyways, here it is.

So guys, please tell me this is you as well.  Am I the only person who can’t walk out of Target without spending most of my money on my kids?  Do you spend your birthday money on your kids?  Honestly, I guess I don’t care too much, as long as I still get to kill an  kid-free hour on a Saturday afternoon with that sweet $1.99 popcorn and pop combo.  If birthday money is the price I pay for that little peace of heaven once a week, then so be it.

I love Target.

I wish I knew how to quit you, Target.

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You'll never look at pink spoons the same way again.  Watch this haul video by @649point133!

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57 Responses to I Made the Worst Haul Video in the History of Haul Videos

  1. Ruth says:

    LOL I watched this with my morning coffee and did a spit take over the pink spoon cage match! Don’t let this be the ONE…your faithful will want more of these/your life observations! Nice work Janel.

  2. OMG – Do more vlogs. This is awesome. And the spoons…cage match…I’m still laughing.

  3. Annie says:

    Yes. This is the only haul blog I have ever watched and it was amazing. I hope your birthday spoons went over well.

  4. Now I’m even angrier with our Canadian watered-down Target that’s just not the same as THE Target – no sweet popcorn and pop combo for me 🙁 They put Starbucks in instead, so I CAN grab a latte on the way in. And then return immediately to the parking lot because I will have spent all my money. Great vlog Janel!

    • I have heard that Canadian Target is a big disappointment. I don’t understand why they would mess with a formula that works! On behalf of all Americans, I’d like to apologize for that.

  5. Jessica says:

    You are hilarious and I’m pretty sure there is a rule about friends not letting friends go to Target without children unless they text the other one to see if she wants to come too and then they can get the large popcorn.

    • I will go to Target with you any day, any time. We should both go to Target at the same time and just keep each other on video chat on our phones. I’ll prop my phone up on the front seat of my cart, and it will be like we’re shopping together. I’m kind of kidding, but kind of not.

  6. Gina says:

    Wait, shit got stupid with the letter pads, but NOT with the water dish? I love this video. Please do more. And I, too, cannot escape Target’s clutches without buying their popcorn. Even at 9am.

    • HAHAHA You’re so right! Shit got stupid way before the note pads. I’m pretty sure they put some kind of addictive substance on their popcorn, like saltpeter or cocaine.

  7. More vlogs! More vlogs! More vlogs! That was the most hilarious thing ever. I need to buy spoons too.

  8. That was hilarious! I do the same thing with my birthday Target cards. I could probably make a companion video next week. And there is NO WAY you’re a 17.

  9. Katie@SomewhatSaneMom says:

    Ummmmm, PLEASE do more vlogs!!!! I’m cracking up! Oh, and this is me at Target! (And I also give a big eff you to Mossimo too)

  10. I was going to quote something from the vlog but it is 100% quotable, so really, by whole comment would’ve been just a transcript of your video. I absolutely do this, every. single. time. And that’s only because you can’t use Target gift cards for something even stupider and less fun than spoons, like paying the water bill. (P.S. Mossimo can suck my balls.)

  11. Kim S says:

    Now I buy stuff for the grandkids. Don’t feel bad. You have to learn how to use the Target coupons and the Cartwheel app. Mossimo is sized for teeny, tiny teens, not grownups. I prefer Merona myself. I don’t think that I’ve ever used a whole gift card on myself.

  12. Annette says:

    I don’t even know where to start in telling you how much I love this vlog! I NEVER use my birthday/anniversary/Christmas money on me (or us, in the case of anniversary money). I am impressed that you did actually buy the shorts and tanks … I probably would have decided that we needed TP more than I needed new clothes. And YES Mossimo is whacked, 142 and size 17??? No wonder our daughters are so worried about the thigh gap!

  13. Annette says:

    PS – please don’t let this be your first and last vlog … you have a knack.

  14. I’m going to marry you. I mean, maybe…if you stop making such stupid decisions with our money. Except for the popcorn. That’s legit. And size 17? FUCK Mossimo. Fuckers.

  15. Toulouse says:

    Oh Mossimo. You are doing this All Wrong.

  16. I love your face.
    I can’t stop laughing about, well, everything.

  17. wendy says:

    this made me laugh so hard. i’m still hung up on size 17 shorts… that shit can’t be right!

  18. wendy says:

    And MORE vlogs!

  19. Maren says:

    This was, by FAR, the BEST haul vlog I’ve ever seen. I love that you refuse to be raised correctly. I, too, have the same problem. I get in trouble frequently for saying fuck in front of kids.
    On the bright side, those of us who rebel against being raised correctly will have children who can swear properly. And isn’t that the point of parenting?

    I am also unable to go to Target (or anywhere, really) without buying crap for my kids…whether they need it or not.

  20. qwertygirl says:

    OK this was MADE of awesome! The cage fight over the spoons. The new dog water bowl because you can’t control your emotions. And the worst (best?) of it is, I was watching the whole thing nodding like one of those stupid bobble heads on someone’s dashboard because I HAVE SO DONE THIS. What sucks for me is, my birthday is in November (like it sometimes falls on Thanksgiving, so the end of the month), and then comes Christmas, and my grandmother gives me a check for both and you can just guess where all that fucking money goes every year. That’s right–TO BUY MY KIDS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. Don’t get me wrong–I love buying them stuff, but just once I’d like to take that haul to Macy’s and buy myself some clothes or completely impractical shoes or a decent bra or something.

  21. Deb says:

    Can’t believe this was your first vlog – VERY funny. You are a natural. Just wanted to say one thing about the shorts. The size 14’s are misses, which are made to fit actual women. The 17’s are JUNIOR size, and are made to fit skinny-ass teenagers and anorexic models. While I’ve never bought junior size pants or shorts, I have bought many junior size tops. If it makes you feel any better about yourself (or Mossimo), I usually wear size 12/14 in misses, but I always have to buy 15/17 in juniors.

  22. Beth in NC says:

    I want you to be my friend…finally someone who shops like I do…you will have to refrain from using the f-bomb in front of my 22 month old grandson, it seems he only picks up things we don’t want him to and he would use it at preschool or church….loved your video!

  23. This is the only haul video I’ve ever seen, and you’ve ruined me for all others. I hate them, and I haven’t even seen them. Pass the popcorn and pop.

  24. Amy K. says:

    I am sorry but I have to disagree. I love your blog! Please make more.

  25. Amy K. says:

    Stupid auto correct. I love your Vlog!

  26. Stormy says:

    1. My sister and I long-distance shop together at Target all the time, on the phone. 2. I just went to Target yesterday (it is less than a mile from my house – curses) and bought my 6 y/o clothes and 2 bras for me (pregnant, need new bras) and felt the need to justify my bra purchase to the family – and apparently to you, as if I am not allowed to make purchses for myself. 3. I just started reading you (Parent Like There’s No One Watching) and it made me cry. My 18 y/o was diagnosed Asperger’s at about 9 y/o and we had similar struggles and then I had a similar revelation. 4. You’re hilarious, smart, amazing, and real… I can’t wait to see/read more.

    • 1. That is a brilliant idea, and I’m stealing it. 2. I give you permission to buy those bras. Consider yourself justified. 3. Thank you! I love hearing from spectrum parents who’ve made it through the childhood years and emerged on the other side. 4. Thank you, I hope you stay and read more!

  27. Linda Jones says:

    Absolutely loved it. Clearly you have a great talent for this. Please do many more!

  28. Erin in TX says:

    This is a late comment, but I just wanted to say that I am so glad you did this vlog. I just this month discovered your blog and have been binge-reading it. I have been wondering what your Michigan accent sounded like, so now I know. (It’s awesome!) I have a 10-month-old baby girl, who is very “spirited” (read: batshit crazy), so I read your stories to reclaim my sense of humor when I’m up at 1 o’clock in the morning with her.
    P.S. For your next vlog, may I suggest a Frozen sing-a-long?

    • OMG I love that you’re binge-reading! I love that someone used the word “binge” related to my writing. I remember those 1am wakeups with my daughter, and having to read something to keep sane instead of throwing her out the window. I am really truly flattered that it’s me that keeps you from throwing yours. 🙂

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