Guys, I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal. I’m a super big-time blogger now. Two things recently happened to me that confirmed this fact: first, this really nice man recently emailed me and offered to share $25,000 from his uncle’s inheritance (which reminds me, I need to send him my Social Security number, bank account number, and photo ID!). The second thing that happened recently that has confirmed my status as a Very Important Writer of Bullshit on the Internet was when I received an advanced copy of a book. This, my friends, is the shit librarians dream of (while sleeping on their desks). And this wasn’t just any book that I got to read before anyone else — oh no. I got to read an advanced copy of Karen Alpert’s new book I Heart My Little A-Holes.
Karen Alpert is the hilarious voice behind the blog Baby Sideburns, which, if you’ve never read her blog or her equally hilarious Facebook page, your life has been seriously lacking up until this point.
Here’s a story that best explains how funny Karen is. It’s a library-related story, so hold on to your seat, because this should be fucking EXCITING. I used to think I was good at designing flyers and handouts. Like, really good. I would make signs for my window displays or library events, and people would ooooh and aaaaah over them, and I thought I was hot shit when it came to Microsoft Office in general. Then I got a new job in an art school library, and I immediately realized that oh shit, I’ve been using fucking clip art to make flyers. My new coworker’s skills and talent at designing bookmarks, flyers, signs, etc. were so far beyond my own it was silly. Her handouts looked professionally designed; mine looked like a sixth-grader’s project for their first computer class.
That’s how I feel about this book: I used to think I was funny, but then I started reading Baby Sideburns’ blog, and I was like uh oh, and then I read her book and I was like, ohhhhh shit, I am nowhere near as funny as this bitch right here. She is just so, so, sosososososooooooooooooooooo outrageously funny. I mean, any book that opens with a story about running a vagina gauntlet in a locker room to get to spin class is my cup of coochie tea.
Not convinced? Read this and tell me you’re still not interested:
This is how the saleslady explained how to fold up our stroller: “You just press this little button, go like this and presto, it collapses and you can fit it in the palm of your hand.” And this is how I sound when I’m actually doing it: “Mother-fucker, goddamned piece of shit for a stroller that sucks ass.” And then I’m standing there in the parking lot with a stroller that won’t collapse or fit into a trunk. Until… voila, the third row of seats folds down in a jiffy and I can just roll that bad boy right in totally erect. Okay, do I hear someone laughing? Yes, I said the word “erect”. What are you, in the third grade? Yeah, me too, erect erect erect! Tee hee hee!
I erectly rest my case.
So whether you still read actual, real-live books, or you’ve sold your soul to the electronic devil and you’re reading all your “books” on a Kindle or Nook or whatever, do yourself a favor and buy this book. Because this is probably the only legal thing that will make you this happy for less than $10.