I Felt the Same Way about Bush for Awhile

Today at work, while conducting extremely important librarian duties like checking Facebook and deciding which skateboarding magazine to subscribe to next year, I got a text from Rob.  “Type up a letter from Alvin and the Chipmunks for Phaedra.”

via ReactionGifs

Let’s back up.

Phaedra loves writing letters.  She writes not only to family members and school friends, but also to cartoon and movie characters she likes.  She raids my stash of free address labels to use as “stamps”.  Now that she’s used up all of my envelopes, she folds construction paper and uses all of my tape to make her own envelopes.  She then asks me to mail the letter for her.

The standard protocol for “mailing” these letters used to be setting it on the mantel by the door until she forgot about it, and then putting it with the rest of her drawings and school projects.  However, she’s realized that the mantel move is a scam.  She now insists on watching me physically place the letter inside the mailbox, where it sits for about a week and irritates the mailman.

The mailbox, as it turns out, is the problem.  Since The Queen sees the letter go into the mailbox, it only stands to reason that her loyal subjects will promptly carry the letter straight to its intended recipient posthaste.  Which means about a week after “mailing” the letter, I have to figure out how to answer her questions about why the hell The PowerPuff Girls haven’t written back yet.  She got really pissed at the little boy from EvanTubeHD when he didn’t write back, and declared that she didn’t want to be his friend anyways.  I plead the fifth on Evan, but instead of lying to her about why cartoons weren’t sending her letters, I usually nicely told her the truth: that I didn’t think cartoon characters could write letters.  To which she usually gave me a look that told me exactly how fucking dumb she believed I was (spoiler alert: pretty fucking dumb).

Now, some of you might recall that our history with imaginary people is pretty shaky around here.  So imagine my surprise when King Wet Blanket asked me to trick his daughter into believing that a singing chipmunk had responded to her letter.  The man that got angry last Christmas when I asked him to eat the cookies and drink the milk we put out for Santa asked me to create a forged document for our daughter and claim that it arrived in the mail from a cartoon character.  However, I am not a woman to stand in the way of a man and his vision, so using my extensive word processing skills, I came up with this:


All artists have their medium.
Mine just happens to be Microsoft Word.

Then I printed a nice head shot for Alvin and I “autographed” it.  I didn’t bother to change my handwriting, because that’s how kids build critical thinking skills.  Then I sealed them in a big-ass envelope with a return address from “Dave’s Street” in Hollywood, California, 90210 (because that’s literally the only California zip code I know) and I brought it home to fake-find in the mailbox.

Of course, she loved it, and totally bought it.  When she ran upstairs for a celebratory screening of Chipwrecked, I pointed out to Rob that he had now officially started a thing, and I had now officially become Phaedra’s super-secret, unofficial pen pal.

“Yeah, I know.  Sorry about that.”

“So explain to me how this is any different than Santa Claus?”

“I know, I thought about that, too.  But then I thought, well, if she really sent that letter to Alvin or some other celebrity, the company or someone would have sent her back a form letter and some free stuff or a picture.  You know, like if she sent a letter to Obama, he’d send back something.”

“Right, but Obama is a real person.  He exists.”

He shrugged.  “Maybe.  I’ve never actually seen him.”

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This entry was posted in best husband ever, Phaedra, things that don't make sense, what dude?. Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to I Felt the Same Way about Bush for Awhile

  1. Dude, I’ve totally seen him.

  2. annie mccourt-makaron says:

    All I have to say is it takes 427 licks to get to the center of the tootsie roll pop. Ask my marmie, she found the letter in the box when I was in bed for two weeks after losing my tonsils. I got a form letter signed by the bespectacled tootsie roll owl and a fantastic certificate (that I still have 30+ years later) proclaiming: The world at large may never know the truth, but for a few brave boys and girls who braved the licking of the Tootsie Roll Pop! She always had a flare for the dramatic! I think making your kids feel special, even if it is with a few slightly-less-than-truths, is wonderful!

  3. Loved this. My favorite part is that you didn’t change your handwriting because “that’s how kids build critical thinking skills.” I know from experience that this is true. When I was little, and DYING for an Alvin and the Chipmunks talking doll (for reals! another Alvin incident!), I was ridiculously excited when I discovered it under the tree on Christmas morning. However. I took note that not only did “Santa” have the same handwriting as my mom, but also apparently bought the same cheap-ass wrapping paper from the same discount store where we always shopped. Hmm. I wasn’t ready to question it too thoroughly, but those two pieces of evidence certainly rattled around in my lil’ head for a while, even if I was in denial. So anyway, it sounds like your solution was a good mix of humoring Phaedra and planting the seeds of reality at the same time.

  4. Pops says:

    Just explain to her that most cartoon characters only have 3 fingers on each hand
    (fireworks accidents), and it makes it difficult to write.

    Hey, just lie! You’ll only get away with it for so long, so enjoy it while you can.

  5. Arnebya says:

    I’ve seen Obama. Hell, my oldest kid has had him stand beside her and put his hand upon her head like he was resting (still waiting on that picture, Pete Souza!). My middle girl is 9. NINE! This child wrote a letter to The Grinch (I’ma pause while you ingest that shit), put it under her pillow AND AIN’T TELL NODAMNBODY! Look, I can carry out your little fantasy that I never wanted to feed into with the Tooth Fairy or Santa or the scary ass Easter Bunny — if you tell me about it. But if you say nothing AND I’ve forgotten to change your fucking sheets for a month, HOW AM I TO KNOW THERE’S SOMETHING UNDER YOUR PILLOW?

    Oh the crying this child did. Again, SHE IS 9! I was floored. And irritated. I shouldn’t have been irritated, huh? I should have held her and rocked her and apologized for not knowing what she needed before she needed it. All I did was look at her sideways (literally. My head was sideways because I was so very confused) and mumble some shit about The Grinch not being real. AS OPPOSED TO WHAT OTHER CHARACTER? Write a letter to Obama; we live here. Maybe that’ll count for something. (Also, you know you’re in for it with subsequent letters, right?)

    • Dude: part of the deal is that the kid has to inform you about the letter. Not cool. And yes, I made sure to inform Rob that I reeeeeeeeeeally appreciate him starting this new thing that I now have to do on demand.

  6. Oh, the reasoning of dads.
    Isn’t it fabulous how they decide where the lines are drawn, especially when it comes to creating a new secretive job that’s now all yours?
    Also, you did such a good job on that letter, can you please write one from Gumball of Amazing World of Gumball and send it to my kids? Thanks

  7. When I was a kid, I wrote a letter to Alf (not the cast, the puppet himself) and to Erik Estrada. Neither replied. Now, I’m pissed at my Mom for not doctoring up a letter and making my day. How hard would it have been to sign a letter: “xo, Ponch.” ?

  8. nicole says:

    Ah, “Chipwrecked.” We own the soundtrack. It’s pure torture to listen to on a car ride.

  9. You’re the best mom ever! Phaedra will have some terrific stories to tell someday when she goes back and reads all of the letters she wrote to famous people, but her mom answered. I would read that book!!

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