It’s crunch time, folks. Ten nine more weeks until my due date, which means OH MAN I AM SO BEHIND. I have a metric shit-ton of things left on my to-do list. Unfortunately, much of it needs to get done ASAP, because as the number of weeks pregnant I am grows bigger, the amount of inertia it takes to physically get me moving and keep me moving grows as well. This is a really super-scientific way of saying that I’m getting tired. Also, when I hit about 38 weeks or so, things like “Install infant car seat” are going to become impossible. Anyone who has ever installed a child car seat understands the gymnastics involved with this task, and that an enormous pregnant woman (or a slightly less-enormous woman who has just given birth) cannot hope to accomplish this. So, these things need to be done NOW.
I’m not going to bore you with my to-do list (hint: almost every entry begins with the verb “clean”). Instead, I thought I’d share some tips on how you can prepare for your third child, since, if this blog has proven anything, it’s that I am obviously an expert in all things baby, and extremely good at planning and preparing (note: if your bullshit detector is not going off, you should probably change the batteries):
When deciding which two children should share rooms, pick the two that will be the lightest sleepers. Why not go for the no-sleep glory? Start a betting pool with your family on which one will wake up the other one every night. What a great way to make a little cash on the side! Also, bonus points if this room happens to also be the smallest bedroom in your house! In reality, though, do babies actually use their bedrooms all that much? Not really. It’s just a place to store their clothes. My kids didn’t really actually sleep or play in their bedrooms until they were around two. Bella is too young to realize she just got cheated out of having her own room, and the baby won’t even know what the fuck a “room” is for the next two years! Hooray!
Be sure to plan the birth of your child to coincide with the busiest time of year at your place of employment. For me, this meant I had to carefully plan to accidentally get pregnant (uh, I mean, surprisingly! pleasantly surprisingly get pregnant! Mommy loves you, Surrey!) near the end of October, giving me an early August due date. That way, I can be on maternity leave during the weeks preceding the fall school quarter, which is usually the busiest time of year for a college. As you may well assume, the basic job duties of a librarian including sitting, reading books, and telling people to be quiet. How my coworkers are going to accomplish all that reading and shushing without me before fall quarter starts, I have no idea.
Try to have your baby during a completely different season than your previous two children. Since my two girls were born in the same general time of year (late winter/early spring, which is essentially the same season in Michigan), I bought virtually zero additional clothes for myself or my second daughter. BORING. This time, I went for late summer! Waaaay more exciting. I have no maternity clothes suited for the summertime, which means I get to spend my (nonexistent) disposable income on buying shorts and tank tops that will last me for about four months. Again, not because I’ll magically go back to my pre-pregnancy clothing size, but because that’s about how long shorts and tank top weather lasts in Michigan each year. Also, changing seasons throws the baby’s wardrobe all out of whack, which is exciting for the grandmas in your life, who get to shop for all-new clothes for their granddaughters! You’re not abusing your baby by dressing her in corduroys and sweaters in August; you’re doing your baby’s grandparents a favor!
Be sure one of your children is hopelessly attached to you, and ONLY you. Bonus future therapy points if you work it so that this child also ends up being the middle child!5.
Put off 95% of the cleaning that requires heavy lifting and/or several trips up and down stairs until your last trimester. Let’s face it: you need the exercise, right? Just wait until you’ve reached heavyweight status and have zero lung capacity left to start moving furniture and lifting boxes of shit you’ve wanted to throw away for the past ten years. When you get that wild impulse telling your crazy, hormone-addled brain that “THESE BEANIE BABIES AND THAT SOFA BED MUST BE REMOVED FROM THIS HOUSE TODAY“, just go with it. No one else is going to do it the right way, are they? Fight through that lack of oxygen and those aching butt muscles and do it yourself, fatboy.
After reading over this list, I can see that things are going great. I already feel like I’m on my way to becoming the Martha Stewart of baby planning and childcare! THIS IS GOING SO WELL!!!
(Please send help. And Doritos.)