I’m finally starting to emerge from the grips of morning sickness, thank God. My version of morning sickness is peculiar. I do get periodically nauseous throughout the day, but i don’t vomit very often. My biggest problems are my super-sensitive gag reflex and a strong aversion to nearly any food that is nutritious or not processed. I always start off the first week or two of being pregnant trying to eat real healthy, knowing in the back of my mind that it’s all going out the window in a few weeks when Barf Fest begins. One day, I’m drinking organic milk and eating cream of broccoli soup for lunch; the next morning, the Spaghettio and Burger King diet begins.
Also, if you know someone who you really fucking hate, and they’re suffering from morning sickness, you know what you should do? Remove all the food from their house, and make them go to the grocery store. Surrounding yourself with an enormous room full of food when you can’t stand to be in your kitchen for more than ten seconds because you just know there’s food SURROUNDING you is the worst form of torture I can think of. I would constantly gag while quickly grabbing things off the shelves so I could just get the hell out. The last time I grocery shopped by myself, I kept randomly gagging. I stopped once to get myself together, and some single dude passed me by, giving me this weird, disgusted look. Oh, excuse me, Mr. Popped-Collar-And-Stupid-Gelled-Hair-Shopping-By-Yourself-At-Kroger. So sorry to offend your delicate sensibilities.
Anyways. Of the foods that my stupid pregnant brain and stomach will allow me to eat, each food item basically has a three-time max out: the first time I eat it, it is delicious. I am convinced that I could live on this food item for the next six weeks. The second time I eat it, I have to mentally talk myself into it a little, but I eat it and it’s okay. The third time I even think about eating it, I dry heave over a garbage can and spend the next ten minutes doing slow, deep breathing around the house to fight off the urge to puke. These foods are the foods that have earned themselves a place on my Barf List. If I smell these foods, or even think about them, I’m a wreck for the next five minutes, or at least until you take your gross food and get the fuck out of my face.
1) Frozen chicken nuggets: Oh man. I’m not sure I’ll ever eat these again. It’s just the weird smell that fills the entire house when you microwave them. I’m sure they are just as delicious as I remember them, and I do still partake in fast-food chicken nuggets, but I can’t even open the freezer door without being hit in the face with that stench. Gah.
2) Cream of broccoli soup: This is normally one of my favorite soups. So, idiot that I am, I decided to make this soup at home. From scratch. I wasn’t feeling sick yet, so my theory was I could make this soup, and when I started to feel sick (which I knew was coming any day), I would have something in the fridge that was easy to warm up and eat. It took an entire evening, and the first bowl I ate was delicious. I couldn’t believe it came from my kitchen. The second bowl I ate, I finished only half, and wondered how I ate the first bowl. The third time I looked at the Tupperware in the fridge I gagged and shut the fridge, and that’s where the soup stayed for the next six weeks. I still haven’t opened the container. I can’t wait to open that bad boy up and try to wash it out. If I wasn’t so desperate to keep that big Tupperware bowl, I’d throw the whole goddamn thing away.
3) Frozen pizza: This also fell victim to the three strike rule. I made one last night because I thought I was past this one, and I did eat it, but the smell made me regret ever opening the cardboard box.
Just so you’re aware, at this point I’ve already gagged twice just thinking about these three items.
4) Yogurt: I love vanilla yogurt. I tried eating vanilla yogurt. I puked shortly after eating vanilla yogurt. Now I don’t eat vanilla yogurt.
5) McDonald’s cheeseburgers: This is, for me, the strangest item on this list. Normally, fast food is the exception to my three-strike rule. I survive solely on fast food during these miserable weeks. It’s the only food that I can consistently bear to smell and eat. However, I must have burned through my McDonald’s privileges too early into the sick weeks this time, because I don’t want to smell or look at one of these things.
6) Anything consisting solely of vegetables: I don’t want to look at your salad. I don’t want to eat from your veggie tray. I will, however, eat all the corn you thought you were providing as a side dish for dinner, mix it with that rice over there, and call it a meal.
As a bonus list, here’s some foods I could actually bear to eat these last few weeks:
1) Honeycombs: Something about this cereal just stands the test of time. It’s quick, it doesn’t stink, and it’s good. Quick is important, because the longer a food takes to prepare, the more likely I am to realize I’m standing in the kitchen, WHERE THE FOOD IS GET ME OUT OF HERE, and not eat the food. When Phaedra saw this cereal in the house, she almost lost her mind. I don’t usually buy cereal for myself, and I definitely don’t buy junky cereal (which, honestly, Honeycombs really isn’t that junky compared to, say, Cookie Crisp or Lucky Charms, but it’s no Kashi). Honeycombs was one of only three things I could bear to eat, and I went apeshit when she demanded to eat my cereal. I’m pretty sure I gave the kid a complex over stupid Honeycombs.
2) Rice: It’s bland, and gentle on the stomach. It also doesn’t smell, either. Good thing I’m figuring out what I should be eating now that I’m almost done with the whole food aversion thing. When I’m sick, though, I can’t think straight about food. I survive wholly on basic animal instincts: does thinking about eating that food make me want to gag? No? Then bring it on. Otherwise, why are we talking about food? NO FOOD TALK.
3) Mexican food, of any kind: Good Mexican food is best, but I can’t tell you how often I’ve hit up the local Taco Bell in the last six weeks. When I’m not pregnant, the very last place I would pick to eat would be Taco Bell. However, I love me some Mexican food when I’m pregnant. I’ll take it however I can get it. One day, I was convinced that the only thing that I could eat was chicken tacos, beans, and rice from my favorite Mexican restaurant, which is a 20 minute drive from our house. My husband, who wasn’t even hungry, drove all the way out there and brought me back those tacos. Later that night, I probably yelled at him for something ridiculous. That’s just how I roll.
4) Mountain Dew: I only drink this when I’m pregnant. It’s like crack to me: I know it’s not healthy for me or my baby, but it’s soooooooooo good! I CAN’T STOP!!! I’ve tried drinking it occasionally when I’m not pregnant, and it’s not that good. However, right now? Ice cold, from the fountain? DELICIOUS. Another reason why I love Taco Bell right now: very few fast food restaurants serve Pepsi products, including Mountain Dew. Two hard tacos minus lettuce and a small Mountain Dew? That’s a pretty fine lunch right there.
You know what sounds real good right now, though? Doritos and Garden Fresh salsa. Also, chicken fried rice. Not at the same time, but maybe one for a snack, and the other for dinner. Imma go to the grocery store right now and hook that shit up.
Also, some soft pretzels you can make at home in the oven. Probably a Slurpee too. Yes. I’ll drink that in the grocery store while I buy these items. Not trashy at all.