FAQ Guide for My Kids

flat800x800075fI don’t know about you, but my kids ask me so many questions. Like, nonstop. My kids like asking me questions so much that they will ask me a question, allow me to give an entire well-thought-out, articulate answer, and then rephrase the exact same question and just ask it again.

IT’S MY FAVORITE I LOVE IT SO MUCH

I’m writing this FAQ guide for my kids because I figure it’s a better strategy than my original idea, which involved tattooing various rude phrases to my forehead as a sort of permanent answer I could point to when my kids ask me something. Nobody really wins in that scenario, so we’ll go this route instead. I plan on printing this out and handing it to them, although I guess if I really wanted them to pay attention to it I would make a YouTube video of me reading it with an annoying British accent while playing Minecraft.

Can I have a drink of water?

You sure can! You can go get yourself a drink from the bathroom faucet, which you can easily reach yourself. Even better, I bet it’s been running for the last ten minutes, so the water’s bound to be nice and cold and you won’t even notice that weird bathroom water taste.

What are we having for dinner?

I don’t know, I give up — what are we having for dinner?

via GIPHY

Still not funny? Well, okay, since this is one of the few weeknights that Mom is home from work early enough to cook, we’re either having leftovers, fast food, or a recipe I saved from Facebook this week that will take too long to cook and you guys won’t like it anyways. You tell me which day of the week it is, and I’ll tell you which of the three is happening.

Is it bedtime?

No matter what time of day you ask me this question, I will answer, “Yes,” so tread carefully with this one.

[During spring/summer] Why do I have to come in and get ready for bed, when those kids are still outside playing? It’s still daylight outside!

Because your dad and I love you more than those kids’ parents.

Mom, why are you so obsessed with your phone?

Oh, I’m sorry, is my Facebook scrolling interrupting your iPad time, or keeping you from fully enjoying your Nintendo DS game? I’ll make sure I put my phone down and stare at your electronics more often. I didn’t realize how rude I was being, what with communicating with actual adults and feeling like I still have friends in the outside world even though I don’t see them because of work and spending all my free time at home with you guys. Please, proceed with your marathon video game session while I stare vacantly at it alongside you!

Your butt is big.

Cool, thanks.

No, your butt is like, really, really big.

That’s a statement, not a question, and I’m really kind of done with hearing this every single time you follow me up the stairs. NEXT QUESTION.

[On the weekends] Mom, when are you getting up?

Hmmm, I’m not sure. Let me go ahead and calculate all the hours of sleep I lost in the middle of the night when you guys were babies, add in the hours that I had to get up early on the weekends when I didn’t have to work or take anyone to school, then divide that by the number of years I wasn’t able to sleep in, aaaaaaaaand…it looks like I’ll be getting up around 10pm.

[Also on weekends, also while I’m sleeping] Mom, can you make me breakfast?

I really thought I was clear about today’s breakfast plans when I left last night’s pizza out on the table. P.S. — Your sisters had already figured out by your age that this is prime candy-for-breakfast-while-Mom’s-sleeping-and-doesn’t-know-it time you’re wasting. You should be mad at them for not cluing you in on that.

Who do you love the most?

Oh honey, I love all of you girls the same. You know, when you’re a mom, your heart doesn’t get divided between each child. Your heart grows and is able to give infinite love to all of her babies, no matter what. I have the same amount of love for you as I do both of your sisters, and you’ll always be my sweet little babies whom I adore unconditionally.

LOL JK Which of one of you keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after they take a dump? Not that one, that’s for sure.

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