Do you want to know the main reason Christmas gets on my nerves? It’s the shopping. I shop at two stores: Kroger and Target. Occasionally, if someone gets sick or I need to buy a health-related item in the middle of the week, I shop at the Rite-Aid by my house. That’s it. That’s why I fucking love Amazon. Seriously, it’s the only store that comes close to my love of Target. They have everything AND they’ll ship it straight to my house within two days! What? How is this possible? I don’t know (I do, it’s because I pay for Prime membership), and I don’t ask them because I’m afraid they’ll realize this whole two-day shipping thing is a terrible idea on their behalf and cut me off.
Sometimes I buy extremely dumb shit on Amazon, and once in a great while, I buy incredibly amazing life-changing things on Amazon. It should become painfully clear to you as you read this which items fall under which categories.
Dr Mom LED POCKET Otoscope: When Bella was younger, we went through a six-month period where she had an ear infection at least once every six weeks. Going through the “is she or isn’t she?” stage right before you decide to take your kid in to the pediatrician to see if she has an infection sucks huge balls, let me tell you, mainly because it means they’re up all night crying or not sleeping several nights before you finally get fed up and take time off work to haul them in. So I decided that, like most things that are expensive and a pain in the ass, I could probably figure it out myself. Yes — I, a librarian with extensive training in analyzing American and British literature as well as twentieth century American history, decided I could teach myself how to diagnose an ear infection. The only thing keeping me from doing this (besides medical training, of course!) was owning one of those light-thingies they shine into her ear during the office exam. And wouldn’t you know it, Amazon feels me on this, too! They even had one called Dr. Mom, with pictures to tell you what an infection looks like! Way to encourage my already overblown ego, Amazon!
Assorted Stick on Body Crystals: Are you a twelve-year-old girl? Do you feel the need to decorate your body with stick-on jewels, specifically your lower back and face? Are you about fifteen years behind the latest fashion? Sounds like you need body crystals! I bought these for a friend once as a joke to cheer her up while I was away on maternity leave. Needless to say, I think I’m hilarious.
The Puppy Baby Book: Before we had kids, we had Shaft. I’m embarrassed to say I spent an excessive amount of time searching Amazon for the “right” puppy baby book. Meaning a) unbelievably, there are multiple puppy baby books to decide between, and b) I had time on my hands to waste at stupid bullshit like searching for PUPPY BABY BOOKS. Bonus: I’ll have to explain to my kids one day why the dog’s baby book is more complete than theirs.
Bicycle Rear Light: Rob got a new bike this spring. Also, Rob loves anything that lights up. Imagine his delight when he found something to buy that makes his BIKE LIGHT UP!!!! It puts lines on the ground on either side of his bike when he rides it. He couldn’t tell me the purpose of this besides looking cool. To be fair, it does look cool.
Aqua Notes – Waterproof Notepad: This is, hands down, the best thing I have ever bought on Amazon, period. I am a shower thinker. I come up with my best ideas (and remember everything I forgot to do) while I’m in the shower. Problem is, I forget them almost immediately after I step out of the shower. Last summer, a friend of mine told me about this waterproof notepad that lets you write down all those awesome ideas so that you don’t forget them, and I nearly lost my shit. It’s fabulous and has saved me from losing about a billion ideas (at least fifteen of those ideas were actually good ones).
Your Stick Family Was Delicious T-Rex – Vinyl Decal Sticker: I mean, this is just fucking hilarious. I found this one day posted on the Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms Facebook page. They are funny as well as sensible.
Automobile Swivel Tray: So, I’m cheating a tiny bit on this one, because I haven’t actually bought this item yet, but I reeeeally want to. I’m holding off because I’m kind of suspicious of it. It seems too good to be true, especially when I look at the picture. It just looks like it’s not very stable. I picture myself driving down the freeway and getting a faceful of Whopper flung at me after changing lanes. I realize you’re probably only supposed to use this while parked, but come on — I don’t know about you, but I’ve got the need for speed while I eat my chicken nuggets, and I need to dunk them in that barbecue sauce while I do it. I can’t drive fifty-five without my fries, son!
Anyways, I realize that as posts go, this one was pretty pointless, and as gift guides go, it’s utter garbage, but I guess now I realize I should be a bit choosier with how I wield my power as an Amazon Prime member.
***BTDubs, I’m also an Amazon.com Associate, which means every six months I get a check for like $1.50 when people click on the links above and order anything at all. Just so you know how much of a baller I am.***
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