Diary of a Mad Hungry Baby

Oh, Surrey.  Sweet, lovable, constantly-looking-for-her-next-meal Surrey.  Besides hugs and Mickey Mouse, Surrey’s favorite thing to do is eat.  If she didn’t look so much like her father, I would swear she is part Hobbit — m’lady needs her first and  second breakfast, brunch, lunch, pre-dinner, dinner, and after-bath dinner.  Oh, and snacks in between all those meals.

This is not to say that she will eat just anything.  Nooooooo.  In fact, she’s quite particular in how and what she eats.  Surrey knows exactly what she wants to eat, and in what order; it’s your job to figure out what those items are and the correct order.  For example, Surrey may want to eat a banana and cereal for breakfast.  However, she wants to eat the cereal first, then the banana.  If you give her the banana first, she will accept it, look you square in the eye, and drop that shit on the floor while she stares you down like the fucking moron that you are.  Then you’ll pick up that banana (because you work for her, that’s why), fix her a bowl of cereal, watch her destroy it, and then hand her the banana she rejected five minutes ago and watch her eat it.  It will be the same banana she dropped on the floor because I’M NOT WASTING A BANANA BECAUSE OF YOUR GOOFY WHIMS, MAN.

Plus, everyone knows you never get rid of a banana without good reason.

A rookie mistake people often make with Surrey is assuming she is done eating simply because she stops eating what is in front of her.  Nuh uh.  Surrey wanted to eat that specific thing, yes, but now she’s tired of eating that specific thing, probably before she finished all of it.  Now she wants to eat the next specific thing that only she knows but cannot communicate to you other than shouting “DAAAAAAAAADIGO” over and over again and pushing away all the other bullshit you offer her with her extremely cute and pudgy little hand.  The meal is not over for her unless she’s consumed a few different food items, and you’d do well to remember that.  If you feed her two or less items during your mealtime, she’s still hungry.  You won’t think that’s possible, though, based on the fact that YOU JUST FED HER COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF FOOD, and will try every other possible thing to stop the crying before coming full circle back to food, and finally she can begin shoveling food in her mouth again because HUUUUUUNNNGGRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Just because Surrey has eaten something in the past doesn’t mean it’s permanently on the list.  She never ever starts eating anything without first giving it a lick and tasting it.  After the taste test, she’ll decide whether or not it gets into the tummy party.  Doesn’t matter how much she supposedly loves it — it’s still getting the taste test, and possibly getting rejected.  When she first began eating solid foods, she was obsessed with mangoes.  Ate them all day, every day.  I had to watch YouTube videos to learn how to slice a goddamn mango because I had no clue what to do with this thing, but here I am watching fucking fruit slicing videos on the computer because ISN’T THIS JUST THE LIFE, GUYS?  So, for a while it was mango fever up in here.  Then for awhile I started buying the cheap summer fruit, like berries and watermelon, and forgot about mangoes.  The other day, I remembered how much she liked them last spring and brought one home.  Surrey took one lick of that mango and threw it on the ground.  Rejected.  NEXT FOOD PLEASE.

The funniest thing by far Surrey does is steal food.  I have witnessed it multiple times (mostly because I keep doing the same thing on purpose).  In the morning on the weekends, Bella and Surrey are usually the first to wake up.  They want cereal.  I’ll pour two equal bowls of the same cereal, with milk and a spoon, and set them down side-by-side for each girl to eat.  Every single time, Surrey looks at her own bowl, zeroes in on Bella’s bowl, and slowly moves in and acquires that other bowl.  She wants both bowls.  Surrey knows Bella is hypnotized by the TV, so she slowly pulls the spoon right out of Bella’s hand, starts nudging her away from her bowl, and just starts eating it right in front of her.  Sometimes she gets tired of standing and eating Bella’s breakfast and fucking sits on her so she can be more comfortable.  Only then, after Surrey finishes Bella’s bowl, will she eat her own bowl of cereal.  Sometimes Bella will protest a little, give a “Hey! Surrey, hey, no!  That’s mine!“, but it doesn’t matter.  She knows that bowl is gone.  I pour Bella another bowl once Surrey has finished eating.  Bella can now eat in peace, and everyone’s happy.

Especially Surrey and her ever-growling little tummy.

That’s her gang sign she’s throwing right there.

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This entry was posted in babies, because I CARE ABOUT NUTRITIOOOOOOOON, Surrey, that hot thing in my kitchen that makes food. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Diary of a Mad Hungry Baby

  1. Jenn says:

    I’m so glad I’m not the only person who had to Google “how to cut a mango.”

  2. Arnebya says:

    I had to learn how to correctly slice a pineapple for the boy because YES, THE LIFE, WE ARE LIVING IT! And my goodness Surrey really does look like her daddy, huh? Damn. And I’m dying imaging her sitting on her sister to eat.

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