Anyone Who Has Ever Seen Me Perform at Karaoke Knows That Giving Me a Stage and a Microphone is a Bad Idea

Last fall, I sat down for lunch with a blogging friend whom I’d known for years but never had the chance to actually meet in person.  During our conversation, she mentioned that Listen to Your Mother would be holding auditions for their first show in metro Detroit.  She smiled and asked me, “You’re going to audition, right?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“No, not really.”

Cool.

That’s how I found myself in a busy downtown Detroit coffee shop last January waiting to read a profanity-laced essay about the first days of motherhood to three lovely women whom I had no business cursing to at all.  On top of that, when I get nervous and have to speak in front of people, I jack up the volume of my voice.  I’m positive they appreciated me shouting the word “DICK” at them full-blast while the hipster at the table next to us drank their latte and gave us the side-eye.

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“I have voice immodulation syndrome, asshole.”

Since then, I’ve been to rehearsals, sat for head shots, and recited my words on the same stage that Eminem recited his years ago.  The women in my show have seen and experienced things I pray I never will.  I went home and checked my Twitter feed for #LTYM, and holy shit, did you know this show was a such a big deal?  Because I sure as hell didn’t.  So, considering all this, let me ask you, Constant Reader:

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Exactly what the fuck am I doing here?

Because honestly?  This is not my thing.  For starters, I’m not a serious writer.  I’m a goofball.  I write suuuuuuper dumb shit on the Internet for free.  For instance, I’m not getting paid a goddamn thing to write this paragraph right now.  Who the hell does that?  If my boss asked me to write a report for her on my off hours, I’d tell her to kiss my ass and enjoy the scenery.  Yet here I am, almost 3am typing away and setting myself up for an awful Monday morning just to finish this post.

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Also, this kind of flashy stage thing is not why I got into blogging.  When I started this blog back in 2009, it was just to have a place to put the weird lists and stories I came up with in my head while I sat in the stacks at work finishing my shelf reading.  However, it has grown over the years to become something much bigger than that.  It’s a way to make people laugh, which seriously delights me to no end.  Chasing that particular dragon has gotten me in trouble more times than I can count (up to and including this show).  It’s also a place where I can figure out how I feel about the heavier shit I deal with as a parent, and hopefully connect with other people who recognize that shit as their own shit as well.

But really, that’s what Listen to Your Mother is all about.  Instead of checking pageviews and waiting for people to comment (or not comment) on a post, I get to see and hear their reaction in real-time.  I get to make people laugh (dear Christ I hope) and hopefully make a connect with them as well.  I also get to wear a $60 dress from ModCloth, but don’t tell Rob I spent that much money on it or he’ll flip his shit.

So yeah, I guess this really is my thing.  I am so proud to be a member of the first metro Detroit cast of Listen to Your Mother, and am completely grateful that the directors never figured out which one of them fucked up and put me on the “Yes!” list.  Personally, I suspect the blonde one.

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Come see me and the other fabulous, talented, definitely-not-mistakenly-cast storytellers this Sunday, May 4 at Saint Andrews Hall in Detroit!  Readers will get a free look of disbelief and polite conversation despite me not believing anyone outside of my immediate family reads this blog.  

 *****

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter so you never miss a post.  Better yet, pop your email address in the box at the top of the page and subscribe!  Also, you can read my essays in the new book I Just Want to Be Alone, and also in You Have Lipstick on Your Teeth!

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20 Responses to Anyone Who Has Ever Seen Me Perform at Karaoke Knows That Giving Me a Stage and a Microphone is a Bad Idea

  1. Juliet says:

    I will not be able to male your show but wish I could. Just so you know I read your blog every time you post. I even hide it from my boss while I do. I Don not often comment because I don’t feel I have anything worth while to say. It would be stupid comments like, I feel yeah there! or I feel for you. and the occasional time I can’t fully relate so I feel I have no right to chime in and wish I could just send you a hug. But that seems awkward.

    I just wanted you to know people read your blog and not just because they are family but because it is good and entertaining. I consider writing Every time and decide more than not, it just won’t be as good.

    Also it just took me over an hour to write this due to fear of getting caught.

    • Ha! This is probably the best comment ever. Please keep reading, but please don’t get fired because that would be a huge bummer. You comment whenever you want, even if it’s only two words. Enjoy the summer Avenue concerts 😉

  2. Dora says:

    As I’m in the Seattle area, I won’t be at the show, but wish you all the luck and hope it’s a great experience for everyone. I read all of your posts but don’t comment because I’m just weird that way. I really enjoy your blog!

  3. angela says:

    I’m pretty sure the blondes were right about you…

  4. monica says:

    squeee! how exciting! channel Eminem? you will rock the stage.

  5. Okay, true confession time. I found the the laughter and live reactions intoxicating. Did not expect that. I am so excited you get that in your life! Ellen

    • Confession: I can’t wait to hear people laugh when I read. But oh Jesus, if they don’t, I know I’ll just go off the rails and act completely fucking ridiculous to try to get that laugh. You should see the train wreck that occurs when I give a library research presentation at 8am and nobody laughs at my jokes. It’s so ugly.

  6. You are hilarious!!!! And I totally get your shit because I have my own shit and I love that you say/write shit so much. I can’t wait to share the stage with you on Sunday.

  7. I have had the same thoughts – what the hell am I doing up there?! I write so I don’t have to say it. But you are right about connecting – and wearing a cute dress.

    So glad to have met you!

    • I’m not sure if I’m more excited about being on stage or wearing the dress. I’ll know after I finally find shoes. Glad we met, and can’t wait to hang out in June!

  8. I am so incredibly excited for you! I’m out on the Left Coast so I can’t make your show, but I’m looking forward to seeing the video. “DICK!” Can’t wait to meet you in-person in June. Have a fabulous show. I know you’ll kick ass!

  9. Jessica says:

    And it all started with you wanting a Coke at a coffee shop… so unbelievably glad you are doing this. I have to say that the blonde ones were right, you belong in this show and you’re going to be amazing.

  10. I’ve seen the photographic evidence…you liked it. Looking forward to the videos and gushing about LTYM in Baltimore. Tally-ho, just a couple weeks to go!

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