A Letter to My Neighbors, Now That My Windows Are Open

Dear Neighbors,

It's summertime! Read this funny open letter to the neighbors explaining what they may hear now that the temperatures are up and the windows are open.Welcome back!  Once again, it’s summertime here in Michigan, and the temperatures will soon begin to climb.  You might remember that we, your favorite neighbors (HAHAHAHAHAHA) do not have air conditioning and will have every window in our house open 24/7 from now until mid-September.  This means that you’ll once again be treated to VIP access to the shit show that is our regular family life, as we are a family of loud talkers.  I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you of a few things about our family that will, if not explain what you’ll hear coming from within our house, at least give you a little background info to help you paint a more accurate picture when you’re re-telling the story to the people who live further down the street.

1.  Rob likes to play video games.  A LOT.  He prefers to sit on the couch while he plays, which puts him directly in front of a bank of open windows facing the street.  Rob takes his PS4 gameplay very seriously, and sometimes he feels the need to express his feelings towards his game.  So if you hear a grown-ass man shouting  “FUCK!!!!!” at top volume, please don’t be alarmed.

2.  About three or four times this summer, you’ll notice a day or two where I sound crazier and more irrational than usual.  If you’re concerned, or would just like me to shut the fuck up, leave a six-pack of cold Pepsi and a chocolate bar in the mailbox, knock on the door, then (and this is important) RUN AWAY.  You don’t want to be around when I tear into that Hershey bar, and quite frankly, I don’t want you around, either.

3.  The amount of screaming and crying you occasionally hear coming from my daughters might lead you to believe that one of them has lost a limb or been severely injured in some other fashion.  I’m going to let you know right now, before it even happens, that everyone is fine and should stop jumping off the couch if they don’t want to get hurt.  Also, I’m not mediating every single hurt feeling or power struggle over the Littlest Pet Shop turtle, so sometimes they’re going to cry and I’m going to ignore them and you’ll just have to decide what to do with your feelings towards this because I can’t help you mediate your feelings, either.

4.  Bedtime is not a pleasant time in our house.  I am a total asshole and put my kids to bed while the sun is still shining and other neighborhood kids are still running down the street, repetitively bouncing their basketball.  My kids hate me for this, and I am at peace with that.  They express their dissatisfaction with my policy by arguing with each other, crying, and asking deep questions about life in order to prolong the process.  So, if you hear me saying something like, “Yes, honey, Mommy and Daddy will die one day, but probably not for a very long time NOW BRUSH YOUR TEETH FOR THE LOVE OF BRITNEY SPEARS,” take a moment to thank whatever deity means something to you that you’re not putting my girls to bed, and continue watching Criminal Minds or whatever it is people get to do when they don’t have to put three sassy girls to bed in daylight.

5.  Swear words are terms of endearment in our house, so really, it’s not necessary to let the other neighbors know you heard me using them loudly with my children yesterday afternoon.

It's summer -- do you know if your living room windows are open? Are you ready for your neighbors to catch all those colorful bedtime quotes from you? Give the people next door an education on how things really work in your house. Too funny!6.  Yes, you did hear It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episodes coming from my eight-year-old’s bedroom at 9:00 pm.  It’s her favorite show, and we let her watch episodes at bedtime to fall asleep on non-school nights.  Listen: the first kid is kind of a practice run, right?  When you’re making a kid omelet, sometimes you have to break a few eggs.  In this case, our egg comes with an “M for Mature Audiences” TV rating.  Mostly we’re just banking on the other two kids ending up okay.

So get ready for a long, hot, loud, expletive-filled summer, neighbors!  I would spend the rest of this post trying to assure you that despite everything that you hear coming from within our house, we’re actually a normal, happy family, but I think after eight years, you and I both know that’s simply not the case.

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This entry was posted in Awkward, Controlled vocabulary, lists, posts that CPS won't think are funny, sarcasm, temporary insanity, where's the off switch. Bookmark the permalink.

38 Responses to A Letter to My Neighbors, Now That My Windows Are Open

  1. laughed loud enough for the neighbs to hear: “When you’re making a kid omelet, sometimes you have to break a few eggs.” Nice.

  2. I just realized the other day that I can hear my loud ass family from the dining room…when I’m standing outside in the driveway. So apparently our windows are up and the neighbors can still hear us? Whatevs. *inhales a Hershey bar*

    • Janel says:

      They should just start enjoying the free entertainment.

      • Carmel says:

        Funny thing is some people DO enjoy the free entertainment!! One of my kids favorite “show” is our neighbors and has been for years. This may seem a bit creepy but we actually bought her binoculars for Christmas one year specifically for this. Her siblings will notice something going on outside and yell “Name, your favorite show is on” and she will go running to the window. If its really funny she will come get her brother and sister to watch with her. No need to worry about offending your neighbors they probably think it is hilarious. Please don’t think we are creepy, she does NOT peep in peoples windows. Good luck staying cool this summer!

  3. Hilarious. Yes to this 1000 times over. We too are banking on the fact that the first two are upstanding citizens and the 3rd one survives our parenting until she is old enough to live on her own.

  4. Bring it, summer. I’m printing “sometimes they’re going to cry and I’m going to ignore them and you’ll just have to decide what to do with your feelings towards this” on a sign to hang on my front door. My mom is my neighbor on one side, and I have my hands full justifying to her on the daily why we didn’t eat dinner until 8pm again last night – I can’t worry WTF all my other neighbors think about my yelling, too.

  5. Soooo much #4. Despite the fact that we’re on summer vacation AND at grandma’s house for the week, I keep putting the kids to bed when it’s full sun outside (8:30pm, darn northern latitudes) and all the neighbor’s grandkids are still out jumping on the trampoline.

  6. Anna says:

    Don’t worry, we all are equally easy to hear in open window summer.

  7. 1) I would like to know how you chemically altered coolant to ensure that you are not poisoned when you consume it. I assume you drink this by the gallon. Otherwise, HOW IN FUCK’S NAME DO YOU GET THROUGH SUMMER WITHOUT AIRCONDITIONING?!? I’m sorry to break out the caps lock on my first comment on your blog (which I’ve just discovered and consider wholly delightful, for the record), but I simply cannot envision an existence without chilled air breezing across my bloated carcass.
    2) For the love of Britney Spears? Oh my word. I swooned when I read this. I’m officially in love with you.

  8. Meredith says:

    Sometimes I want to cry of embarrassment when I walk out to the mailbox and hear my kids through the windows. Mostly I just want to keep walking and not look back.

    • Yesterday, when I actually did just walk down the driveway without looking back, I could hear my daughter screaming in the backyard FROM THE END OF THE STREET. So basically, I give up. It’s quite freeing.

  9. Sam randomly jumped out of the treehouse yesterday. It’s ten or so feet off the ground. All he got was a scraped stomach. He was S-H-O-C-K-E-D (yes, I did just spell that so the kids couldn’t understand) that landing in gravel hurt. We were A-S-T-O-U-N-D-E-D that: a) we didn’t die of mutual heart attacks when he launched into flight and b) he ONLY got a scrape and the wind knocked out of him, because he went full on airborne.

  10. Laura G says:

    Ah, how we know! I leave the a/c on during days when it could be off, just to keep the windows closed. When it’s really unreasonable to be throwing away $, I only open the windows facing toward a neighboring house who’s lucky inhabitant goes on long trips quite often! A familiar line in our house is, “C’mon you guys! Stop yelling! The neighbors are going to call the police!” Ugh, kids. parenting. summer. I mean, Yay! It’s Summer! 😉

  11. Heather says:

    Meanwhile in East LA (Eastern Lower Alabama) we are shut up tight and the air conditioning is running full blast, but come October this will be appropriate.

  12. Britt S says:

    Oh my gosh this is so us (besides the open windows, I would die in summer)! We get so loud you can hear us way too far away. So we have 3 little boys(2-5 yrs), one big boy(12), and one tiny baby girl(1). The 3 little boys are all about super heroes, and btw a big fuck you to the A-Hole that decided to make kids shows based on this, now they won’t stop fighting and jumping off of everything like Spiderman and the Ninja turtles. They’re almost constantly fighting each other and/or telling me no when I tell them to stop or do something (ANYTHING). So ya, we get real loud here and as long as you don’t bother us when we get loud, I won’t bother you when you get loud. 🙂

  13. Amy says:

    Thank you for making me feel a little less defensive about the Family Guy quotes that come out of my daughter’s mouth on a regular basis. I don’t let her watch it when other people’s kids are around, but somehow just knowing my kid watches it A ALL has earned me some side eye from other parents.
    Also, props to the “it’s bedtime, no matter where the sun is!” attitude. Summer makes it so hard to get kids to bed, especially, as you said, when you can still hear other kids laying outside. I get a hard time from a lot of people, and especially bad is when other PARENTS accuse me of being “too strict” or “let her have fun with the other kids!” Seriously? My kid is an EARLY riser, and has been since birth. I learned early that no matter when she got to bed, she’d be up at 5am. Put to bed at 5:30 pm (when she was a toddler and gave up naps) she’d be up at 5 in the morning. Didn’t make it to bed until midnight? Up at 5am and CRANKY (but STILL NO NAP). So yes, no matter the season, bedtime stays the same, because, if anything, summer makes kids wake even EARLIER.

    • Ha! My daughter has figured out by now that most kids do not know who “The Sunnies” are, and that it’s an adult show that no other kid but her is interested in. The grandparents have given up on giving us the side eye over it.

  14. Amy2 says:

    Love this article! And thanks to my friend for pointing me in your direction. I am so grateful to find out that there ARE other parents who swear (almost) as much as we do. My MIL doesn’t appreciate our humor. She called to complain that my 3yo son said, “Oh, damnit.” I was proud that he used it in the proper context.
    And F U to the parents (read: my mother) who complain about early bedtimes. *I* am the one who has to deal with the cranky kids who didn’t sleep enough. What makes it worse is that my kids are generally okay with going to bed at 8:00. Why encourage them to needlessly disobey me??
    Good luck to everyone in surviving the summer!

    • Yeah, the people that judge the early bedtimes are the ones that don’t have to get up and deal with those kids in the morning. And big ups to your 3yo for using his “special words” correctly!

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  18. Pri says:

    Wow you sound terrible. I don’t know why causing your neighborhood to suffer your noise pollution is funny. Stfu

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