Welcome back! Once again, it’s summertime here in Michigan, and the temperatures will soon begin to climb. You might remember that we, your favorite neighbors (HAHAHAHAHAHA) do not have air conditioning and will have every window in our house open 24/7 from now until mid-September. This means that you’ll once again be treated to VIP access to the shit show that is our regular family life, as we are a family of loud talkers. I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you of a few things about our family that will, if not explain what you’ll hear coming from within our house, at least give you a little background info to help you paint a more accurate picture when you’re re-telling the story to the people who live further down the street.
1. Rob likes to play video games. A LOT. He prefers to sit on the couch while he plays, which puts him directly in front of a bank of open windows facing the street. Rob takes his PS4 gameplay very seriously, and sometimes he feels the need to express his feelings towards his game. So if you hear a grown-ass man shouting “FUCK!!!!!” at top volume, please don’t be alarmed.
2. About three or four times this summer, you’ll notice a day or two where I sound crazier and more irrational than usual. If you’re concerned, or would just like me to shut the fuck up, leave a six-pack of cold Pepsi and a chocolate bar in the mailbox, knock on the door, then (and this is important) RUN AWAY. You don’t want to be around when I tear into that Hershey bar, and quite frankly, I don’t want you around, either.
3. The amount of screaming and crying you occasionally hear coming from my daughters might lead you to believe that one of them has lost a limb or been severely injured in some other fashion. I’m going to let you know right now, before it even happens, that everyone is fine and should stop jumping off the couch if they don’t want to get hurt. Also, I’m not mediating every single hurt feeling or power struggle over the Littlest Pet Shop turtle, so sometimes they’re going to cry and I’m going to ignore them and you’ll just have to decide what to do with your feelings towards this because I can’t help you mediate your feelings, either.
4. Bedtime is not a pleasant time in our house. I am a total asshole and put my kids to bed while the sun is still shining and other neighborhood kids are still running down the street, repetitively bouncing their basketball. My kids hate me for this, and I am at peace with that. They express their dissatisfaction with my policy by arguing with each other, crying, and asking deep questions about life in order to prolong the process. So, if you hear me saying something like, “Yes, honey, Mommy and Daddy will die one day, but probably not for a very long time NOW BRUSH YOUR TEETH FOR THE LOVE OF BRITNEY SPEARS,” take a moment to thank whatever deity means something to you that you’re not putting my girls to bed, and continue watching Criminal Minds or whatever it is people get to do when they don’t have to put three sassy girls to bed in daylight.
5. Swear words are terms of endearment in our house, so really, it’s not necessary to let the other neighbors know you heard me using them loudly with my children yesterday afternoon.
6. Yes, you did hear It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episodes coming from my eight-year-old’s bedroom at 9:00 pm. It’s her favorite show, and we let her watch episodes at bedtime to fall asleep on non-school nights. Listen: the first kid is kind of a practice run, right? When you’re making a kid omelet, sometimes you have to break a few eggs. In this case, our egg comes with an “M for Mature Audiences” TV rating. Mostly we’re just banking on the other two kids ending up okay.
So get ready for a long, hot, loud, expletive-filled summer, neighbors! I would spend the rest of this post trying to assure you that despite everything that you hear coming from within our house, we’re actually a normal, happy family, but I think after eight years, you and I both know that’s simply not the case.
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